


The Library

by TeaEnthusiast



Category: Pretty Little Liars, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Books, F/M, Harry Potter References, Libraries, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-09-22 15:26:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9614018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaEnthusiast/pseuds/TeaEnthusiast
Summary: However boring you think working in a library is, you're wrong. It's actually worse. So, when Pretty Little Liars star Ian Harding walks into her library, Clara can’t help but stop and take notice. What begins as her simply helping him finding a book,...(Story as well as extras for it can be found on my tumblr; http://teaenthusiast65.tumblr.com/)





	1. Chapter 1

However, boring you think working at a library is, your wrong. It’s actually much worse.

But I loved it. I loved books. All kind of books. Everything from ancient fantasy and science fiction. Trashy romance to strategic war books. I loved them all. I loved getting lost in the world that books created and being taken on an adventure that the stories created.

It was only natural that my love of books would spill into my career aspirations.

Some people aspired to be doctors and lawyers. Some wanted fame and fortune. But for as long as I could remember, I only ever wanted three things in my life; which was to live in London, work in a library and own my own piano.

At twenty-two years of age I was fresh out of Melbourne University, with a degree in literature. I was living in London and working at a library which allowed me to save up for my desired piano. The only thing missing from my life was romance, which was actually quite a recent development.

In my first year of university I had met and fallen in love with Alex Stewart, a fellow literature student. He had blonde hair, green eyes and golden skin. In my eyes, he was perfect.

My friends had never liked him. More than once they told me so. But I had been blind to the obvious flaws they could see in Alex. When he asked me to marry him, I of course said yes. It was the happiest day of my life when he pushed that diamond ring onto my finger and I was convinced that it would stay there for the rest of my life.

I didn’t realise until later that I hadn’t just said ‘yes’ to marrying him. In his mind, I had said yes to a whole range of things; yes, to living in Melbourne for the rest of my life.

Yes, to giving up my dream of working in a library.

Yes, to having his children.

Yes, to being a stay at home mum.

Yes, to becoming a wife that had dinner on the table by six every night and whose sole purpose in life was to look after him.

Needless to say when I realized marriage to him was more of an ‘ownership claim’ than an ‘expression of love’ that I believed it to be, I’d called off the engagement and had moved to London with my best friend Barbara.

Even though it was nearly the end of January and I had broken up with him at the start of December, I still wore the ring he had given me. I could just not bring myself to remove the silver band from my finger.

A part of me knew that it was because I wasn’t over him. I hadn’t broken up with him because I didn’t love him, I’d broken up with him because we had wanted different things.

Every day I looked at that ring on my finger and I would think of him.

But lately I noticed that I was looking at my ring and thinking of Alex out of habit. Not so much of need any more. Which had to be some sort of progress.

As I fixed my name tag on my chest, that read ‘Clara’ I caught sight of my ring and I realized that I didn’t miss Alex so much as I missed the way he made me feel. I wondered if a guy would ever cause my breath to catch in my throat again? Would I ever feel those excited butterflies flap in my stomach again? Would I ever feel so nervous that I would say and do stupid things around a guy again? Would I ever feel that warm, elated feeling of being in love ever again?

I didn’t concern myself with that as I focused on the stack of books in my arms that I needed to put back. I’d only been working in the library for a month but I already knew the Dewy Decimal system like the back of my hand.

I was just heading towards the six-hundreds to put back a book about technology when a post-it note that read ‘Black Light; The Lost Art of Invisible Ink’ was placed on the cover of a book I currently had cradled in my arms.

Grabbing the note, I held it up as I squinted at the title, invisible ink? Well I’d never heard of that. But whoever had given me the note obviously wanted a book by that title.

Invisible Ink…. Well that could be in the three-hundreds under Social Sciences, or it could be in the seven-hundreds under Arts and Recreation…

Taking a guess I turned on my heel and headed towards the seven-hundred section, the note still pinched between my fingers.

I was so focused on my task of finding this book that I didn’t even bother to see who it was I was getting the book for, though I could hear the footsteps behind me so I knew they were following.

It wasn’t the first time someone had handed me a note with the title of a book on it that they wanted. In fact, it happened all the time. Talking was prohibited in the library so most of the communications had to be done through other means.

The only place where talking was allowed was at the circular reception desk, where my friend James currently sat sucking on a lollypop, using the computer that was supposed to be used for searching and cataloguing books to check his Facebook.

I didn’t need the computer to search for books. I could generally find whatever anyone was looking for of my own volition I knew the library so well.

Looking at the note again I saw the author of the book was ‘Ben Prospiro’. Scanning along the shelf I found the ‘P’ section and quickly found an electric blue coloured book with white writing.

Sticking my finger into the space between the top of the book and the top of the shelf, I pulled it out and held it out to the person beside me in triumph. It was only then that I bothered to look at who in fact was with me.

I was surprised when my immediate eye line did not lead to their face. I was quite tall for a girl, one-hundred and seventy-nine centimetres to be exact. But he was taller than that. Much taller.

My eyes were directly lever with his chin, which was dimpled and round. It was so hard for me to find any guy that was taller than me that I felt a bubble of hope inflate in my chest before I even really knew why. On their own accord my eyes travelled up his face which revealed beautiful blue-grey eyes and jet black hair.

I felt my mouth pop open in shock; standing in front of me was possible the most attractive guy I had ever seen.

I watched in absolute awe as he flipped over the book and read the blurb on the back. He was gorgeous.

As if he could feel me watching him, his blue-grey eyes shifted away from the book in his hands and met my blue ones.

Blush immediately decorated my cheeks as I realized I had been caught staring. Panicking, I turned on my heel and practically ran to the end of the book case and turned the corner. The moment he was no longer able to see me I stopped and took several deep breaths. I felt as if I had just run a marathon. My heart was racing.

I felt as if the very ground beneath me had been shaken. Who on earth was that?!

The urge to look through the bookcase to check if he was still there, if he was still real flared so strong that for a moment I considered it. But if he happened to look through and see that I was watching him, again, it would be more embarrassing than I could possibly bear.

No, I would have to catch him on the way out.

Trying to be as subtle as I could, I walked up the aisle and stepped out at the other end of the bookcase. His back was to me, so I was free to ogle him to my heart’s content.

He was tall and lean. Not overly muscled but an athletic build. He was wearing a denim button down shirt and beige coloured jeans.

Beige jeans? What kind of a guy was that attractive and had that kind of fashion sense? He had to be gay. But what if he wasn’t?

Fortunately, I had the world’s best gaydar in my co-worker and friend, James. Completely forgetting about the books I needed to put back, I made my way to the front desk where James was, sucking on a lollypop.

His curly blonde hair was hidden beneath a stylish beanie today and he still wore his scarf and puffer vest to keep him warm, even though he was inside.

“James,” I began, as I approached him, I could see the mystery man approaching the desk out of the corner of my eye and I knew I needed to be quick.

“Clara.” He stated as he moved the stick of the lollypop to the side of his mouth so he could talk, not taking his eyes away from the computer screen.

“I need you to _check_ and _item_ for me.” I said, using the inflection in my voice to indicate the double meaning in my words.

He looked up at me with a frown, obviously hearing the strange tone of voice. I raised my eye brows at him suggestively and he turned to look over my shoulder at the mystery guy.

His eyes widened in shock as he beheld how handsome he was. I’m sure I looked the same when I first saw him.

Nodding in understanding, James grabbed the stick of his lollypop and held it out wordlessly for me to take. The moment I did he swung around in the swivel chair by the computer and stood up, squaring his shoulders and looking determined, he headed over to the bench where the mystery guy was waiting.

Still holding the lollypop, I sat down on the vacant chair and kept my back to the two men so that I wouldn’t look like a creeper when I so clearly wanted to watch everything they did.

“Hello.” Said James brightly.

“Hi. I’d like to get this book please.” Stated the mystery man.

I blinked in shock when I heard his accent. It wasn’t British like I expected, but American.

“Do you have a library card?” he asked sweetly.

“Ah no. I’m new in town.” He explained.

Wordlessly I got out a library card form and handed it to James. It was only after I handed him the piece of paper that I realized my mistake, I’d shown that I’d been listening.

Panicked my gaze flickered to the mystery man, thankfully he wasn’t looking at me, but was instead hunched over the bench with a pen as he scribbled on the form. Breathing a sigh of relief I turned back to the computer, still holding James’s lollypop in my hand.

As he came over to get a card from the drawer, James whispered to me, “He’s not gay. Even though I wish he was. Don’t you know who that is?”

I frowned in confusion, was I supposed to know who he was?

“That’s Ian Harding!” he hissed.

My frown deepened, “Who?”

“Ezra Fitz from Pretty Little Liars!”

I didn’t live under a rock, I was aware of the show Pretty Little Liars and had even binge watched the first season with Barbara when it first came out. But even though the show had the word ‘liar’ right in the title, it still frustrated me to no end how often the girls in the show all lied. Did they not realize how much simpler their lives would be if they told the truth?

Needless to say I had not continued to watch the show and had not thought about it since my first viewing. But I now recalled the hot teacher that one of the girls had hooked up with.

“Is that show still on?” I frowned. I remembered watching it when it first came out and that had to be over five years ago. Surely people could not have stuck around watching the series for so long wanting to know who ‘A’ was. Would they?

“Final half of the season airing this year. He’s probably over here filming something new now that he doesn’t have Pretty Little Liars commitments.” Said James as he got out a card, “Do you think I can ask for a selfie?”

I rolled my eyes at that as I handed him back his lollypop and took the card from him. I wasn’t going to let him bother the poor guy when he was just here to get a book. I had such enormous respect for anyone that came into the library.

It was sad to say, but books were a dying art. Everyone was all about their phones and iPad. Even people that did like books used their iPad and phones to read them. If someone was taking the time to actually come to a library and borrow a real life book, that said a lot about them as a person and all of it was things I liked.

Going over to the bench, I grabbed his form with a smile, which he returned.

Feeling my stomach fill with butterflies, I focused on putting his details into the computer. He was born in September of 1986 which meant he was thirty. That wasn’t too old for me…

“Ok.” I said after I grabbed his book from the counter and scanned it into the computer, handing the book back to him, “The books need to be returned in twenty-eight days. You’ll get an email a few days before hand to remind you.” I told him.

Even though I had said those words dozens of times, the words suddenly seemed exciting once more when I was saying them to him. He smiled at me in response. Our eyes locked and I felt the air between us crackle and sizzle with electricity.

“Here is your card.” James interrupted and I jumped in shock. For a moment I had forgotten there was anyone else in the world but me and him.

“Thanks.” He said as he took the card.

James beamed at him, “And a lollypop too?” he asked, offering him the stick.

I turned to look at him in shock; did he really just offer a guy his lollypop?

Ian looked as shocked as I was at what he had just been offered. But instead of replying with confusion or revulsion he simply shook his head wordlessly. His gaze flickered to mine once more so quickly that I couldn’t be sure it happened before he turned on his heel and walked out the door.

We both watched him leave. Strangely though I felt as if there was something tugging at my heart, deep inside my chest, urging me to go after him. But I didn’t. I stayed right where I was.

“So gorgeous.” Sighed James, leaning his head against my shoulder.

“Uh huh.” I agreed, not trusting myself to speak. I was still reeling from the strange sensations that he had invoked in me. It had been a long time since a guy had made me feel that way and I was unprepared for those kind of feelings to return in such a forceful way.

“That’s a face that could make angels weep, am I right?” he asked.

“Oh yeah.” I agreed as I turned and collected the books that needed to be put back that I had previously abandoned. 

“But why didn’t you ask him for his number?” demanded James, “You may never see him again.”

Grinning to myself, I stacked the books into a pile, “He has to return the book doesn’t he?” I reminded him.

“Oh, right on sister!” he squeaked before he put his lollypop to his lips, holding it like a microphone, “Hey, I just met you and this is crazy…” he sung before he thrust the lollypop into my face encouraging me to sing.

I in fact hated that song, but James’s enthusiasm was so infectious that I couldn’t help but sing along, “But here’s my number, so call me maybe.”

He laughed gleefully proceeding to shimmy as we both began to sing together, using the lollypop as a shared microphone, “It’s hard to look right… at you baby! But here’s my number. So call me maybe.”

“Take it away James.” I encouraged.

“And pada bourree, pada bourree…” he said as he spun around, “Sashay,” he said, narrating his dance moves before he jumped in the air, exclaiming happily, “I’m gay!”

I laughed in amusement as I grabbed the stack of books and headed back towards the bookshelves to put away the remaining books.

After work that day I came home to Barbara, who already had boiled the kettle and was making me a cup of tea the moment I stepped in the door.

“Hey Clara,” she greeted, “How was your day?”

“Quite eventful actually.” I told her.

“Really? Did you find an infestation of book-worms in the shelves?” she asked sarcastically.

Barbara often made fun of my job. The two of us were polar opposites in so many ways I sometimes wondered how we managed to be such good friends.

For example, our looks, she was short and tanned with dark hair. While I was tall, pale and had hair so blonde it often appeared white. She was gorgeous and exotic with beautiful plump limps while I was plain and boring with a nose too big for my face.

But it wasn’t just our looks that were different, it was our life styles as well.

Barbara worked in musical theatre and spent her nights singing and dancing but spend her down time sitting around watching movies and reading.          

I worked in a library and spent my time standing around doing nothing most of the time, but in my down-time I was constantly moving, running, baking, cleaning, I liked to keep busy.

She was out going and loud. I was quiet and shy.

Yet despite these differences the two of us had somehow been friends from the moment we met at age twelve.

“No actually, the hottest guy came into the library.” I told her as I sat down at our kitchen table.

“A hot guy who likes books? Sounds exactly like your type.” She smiled a toothy smile as she placed a mug down on the table in front of me before she sat down with her own mug, “Tell me more.”

“Well, do you remember that show Pretty Little Liars?” I asked.

She scoffed, “Yeah I stopped watching a few seasons ago.”

I frowned in confusion, “Why?”

“It was just got so bored with it! Who is A? They have literally dragged that secret out for over five seasons now. There is only so long a girl can wait.” She told me seriously.

“Do you remember the teacher? Ezra Fitz?”

“Yeah he was so hot! I loved his character before he got all creepy. One of the reasons I stopped watching was because they turned his character all weird.” She told me, “Why?”

“Well,” I began, smiling in spite of myself, “He came into the library today.”

“Ian Harding? You’re kidding me?” she demanded.

I shook my head, still smiling.

“Did you get a selfie?” she asked.

“No, James wanted one but I didn’t want to bother him. He was just in there to get a book after all.” I told her.

“What was he like?”

“He seemed nice enough. We didn’t really talk. But he was so good looking! Like oh my god good looking.” I smiled, “Perfect eyes, perfect hair…”

“How were his teeth?”

“What?”

“His teeth. How were his teeth? You know I’ve got a thing for teeth.” She said.

That was true. Barbara herself have quite large teeth and the two of us had spent the majority of our teen years wearing braces, so I understood her fascination with good teeth.

“Straight and white.” I replied.

“Kind of like the rest of him?” she grinned.

I laughed loudly.

“So, how did your audition go today?” I asked curiously.

“It wasn’t really an audition.” She told me, “It was more, me recording myself singing and sending it into the producers for their consideration to get an audition.”

I wrinkled my nose, “The entertainment industry is so complicated. So you sent them a tape of you recording just so they can hear your voice?”

“Yes.”

“And what happens if they like your voice?”

“Then I get called in for an actual, in the flesh audition and you go from there.”

“Didn’t you have to send in a head shot and resume before that just to see if they liked the look of you?”

“Yep.” She smiled.

“But they hadn’t even heard you sing by that point. How can they tell if they want you for a singing part just based on your looks?” I asked incredulously.

“This is the entertainment business honey, its all based on looks.” She reminded me.

I rolled my eyes, “I could never be apart of something so… superficial.”

“Hey, don’t knock it! It’s your future husbands career path and he might not be as understanding as I am.” She smiled.

I shook my head, “I don’t know how you, or Ian, can handle it.”

“Oh, your allowed to call him Ian are you?” she grinned.

I ignored her and continued to speak, “Putting yourself out there again and again only to be rejected by something as superficial as your looks.”

“We do it because we love it. Ask Ian, he’ll tell you.” She said pointedly.

“I don’t know. Asking him about his work life seems a little predictable. Surely he must get asked about that all the time.” I mused.

“Good point.” She agreed.

“Why are you evening auditioning for this thing anyway? Isn’t it a film? You’re a musical theatre actress.” I queried.

“Yes, but it’s a movie musical.” She corrected.

“My mistake.”

“It’s good for actors to stretch out and do other things. I’ve only ever done theatre. Shakespeare, straight theatre, musical theatre. Now I want to try something different. And I’ve always wanted to try film.” She told me.

“So why now?”

“Because I finally found a film project that interest me. A movie musical seems like the perfect transition for me from theatre to film.”

She had a point. A movie musical was a good half way mark between what she currently did and branching out into something different like film.

“I don’t know why you want to go into film. Everyone always looks so… perfect. And that is a lot of pressure to put yourself on. At least in theatre they go for more realistic looking people.” I commented.

“Probably because everything about theatre is non-realistic they at least try to make the people look real.” She smiled.

I laughed, “Good point.”


	2. Chapter 2

Sure enough twenty-eight days later, he came back.

Of course that was the day I was running late. It was a text from James telling me that Ian Harding had returned that woke me up and not my alarm.

Normally on a day as sunny as this I would have rode my bike to work, but I was running late, so I caught an uber instead.

James was waiting for me at the door as I climbed out of the SUV that had picked me up.

“Hurry up! Hurry up! He’s leaving!” called James, bouncing on the balls of his feet as I practically ran inside.

Rushing inside, I threw my handbag behind the reception desk as James dragged me by the hand through the library, pulling me to a stop behind a shelf.

“He’s over there!” he whispered, pointing around the bookcase.

I didn’t even take a moment to catch my breath as I poked my head out from behind the book case to see he was indeed there, leaning against the shelf with a book propped open in his hand and looking more like a male model in a book advertisement than a guy simply wanting to borrow books from a library.

My heart leapt up into my throat and I had that strange giddy feeling in the pit of my stomach again.

Biting my lip excitedly I ogled him for a moment, studying the contours of his face that were furrowed in deep thought as he read the book in his hand. Apparently I had stared too long because James grabbed a fist full on my jumper and pulled me back around the bookcase.

Sighing happily, I leaned against the bookcase and caught my breath for a moment before I turned to look at James with a smile, “How do I look?”

“John, Paul and Ringo, did someone get make-up advice from Casper?” he whispered.

My face fell.

“Freaking pale!” he hissed, “Touch up those lips!”

Panicking, I fled back to the reception desk, diving behind the counter to rummage around my handbag. I knew I was running out of time so I grabbed my handbag and tipped its entire contents out onto the floor, there I found my lipstick. Fumbling with the small tube, I used the reflection in my phone as a mirror, coating my lips with the dark colour.

Satisfied, I turned to James and pouted, he pouted back, showing he approved.

“You forgot one.” I said as I placed the lid back on my lipstick and began to gather up my things and place them back in the bag.

“Forgot what?”

“The Beatles. John, Paul and Ringo? You missed George.” I told him.

“Honey, no one cares about George.” He said dismissively.

I grinned in amusement.

“He’s coming!” he hissed, flapping his hands at me anxiously.

Completely forgetting my bag, I stood bolt upright and smoothed out my jumper before I stepped up to the bench, practically shoving James out of the way as Ian approached the desk.

His head was slightly ducked as he looked up at me, “Hey.”

“Hi.” I smiled.

“Just this one today.” He said, placing his book down on the counter.

Grabbing it, I looked down at it with interest, “Persuasion.” I read aloud before I looked up at him, “Are you a Jane Austen fan?”

“Are you?” he questioned, sounding interested.

“I studied literature. I kind of have to be.” I shrugged.

He shifted his weight, leaning his arms against the counter as he peered at me with interest, “Where did you study?”

“Melbourne University.” I smiled.

“Ah, I thought I heard an accent. You’re Australian?” he smiled.

“Born and raised.”

“Nice.” He approved, “I was born in Germany but raised in the states.”

“Why the big move?” I asked.

“Military family.” He explained, “And you? Why’d you move from the great land down under to here?”

“I love the history of this place. I wanted to see the country that inspired such great writers like Austen, Hardy and even J.K Rowling.” I smiled.

He nodded, seeming to like that explanation, “So if you studied literature, I guess you’ve read Persuasion?”

“You guess correctly.” I smiled, “I’ve actually read all of Jane Austen’s works.”

I wasn’t trying to brag, it just slipped out. Not that reading a lot was anything to brag about to normal people. But to me, it was something worth mentioning.

“What did you think of Persuasion?” he asked.

“Ah,” I said, putting my head to the side as I thought through his question, “it’s good. But it’s not her best work.”

“Let me guess, you’re a Pride and Prejudice fan?”

“No. Nothing so cliché.”

“What’s your favourite Austen book?” he asked. 

“Northanger Abbey.” I said immediately.

“Why?”

“Because it’s like Austen is making fun of the Bronte sisters years before they were even born.” I smiled.

He laughed, “I take it you’re not a Bronte fan?” 

“Are you kidding me? Rochester kept his wife in an Attic and Heathcliff was a hormonal jerk.” I told him.

He laughed again and I smiled. I liked his laugh and I liked that I was the one making him laugh.

“So how come your reading the classics?” I asked as I scanned the barcode of the book.

“Just trying to broaden my horizons.” He explained with a simple shrug as he straightened up out of his lean on the counter.

I smiled, I liked that he was so…modest.

“Here you go.” I smiled as I held the book out for him to take.

Smiling he took the book before he turned on his heel and walked through the door.

I sighed as I watched him go.

“There’s nothing like watching a guy walk away from you.” Said James suggestively.

“With a face like his, I like it when he’s walking towards me.” I smiled.

James smacked my thigh and I giggled in response.

…

Twenty-eight days later, he was back.

I smiled so broadly at him as he placed Persuasion on the counter in front of me that I was sure I must have looked like a little kid whose birthday had come early, “How’d you go with it?” I asked, recalling our previous conversation.

“It was good. It was a good read.” He said, nodding his head.

I eyed him for a moment, waiting for him to continue as I could tell he wanted to, “But?” I encouraged.

“But I don’t really go for those period romances.” He said.

“Really?” I asked, absolutely delighted by our difference in opinions.

“All that pomp and ceremony, it’s so… British.” He told me.

“You can’t use an entire culture as an adjective, that’s just lazy.” I chastised.

Though the conversation may have seemed dull, my pulling people up on their grammar and sentence structures was actually my way of flirting as I thought it was playful.

“It’s all so stiff and impersonal.” He commented.

“Well it was the eighteenth century. It had to be.” I reasoned.

“I know, but whatever happened to those grand, sweeping, romantic gestures? Those personalized starry-eyed moments between two people?” he asked.

I smiled happily, “You sound like a romantic.” I said, delighted by the prospect.

“You’re not?” he asked.

I shrugged, “I’m a literature student, so I have to be a romantic at heart. But realistically, I’m still waiting for a guy to sweep me off my feet.”

He smiled at me and I couldn’t help but smile back as the tension between our gazes intensified. Something sparked between us and I felt those familiar butterflies flap in my stomach and I had to look away from him or risk him seeing me blush, “So,” I began as I scanned the book into the system to show it was returned, “You’re not into romances. What kind of books are you into?” I asked curiously.

“Well, I like a lot of war novels. One of my favourite books is a memoir written by a guy in the second world war called ‘Helmet for my Pillow’, its amazing.” He told me.

“Yeah I’ve heard of that book. Is it anything like ‘All Quiet on the Western Front’? Its written by a German soldier.” I said.

“You’ve read that book?” he asked, sounding surprised.

“Yeah. I actually studied it for class. I really enjoyed it. I mean, it shows all the similarities in soldiers, even though they were on opposing sides of the war.  The comradery, the jokes, the letters back home, it’s all the same. Just in German.” I told him, “I felt it really humanized these guys that were for so long were seen as just the faceless enemy.”

“Wow,” he said, staring at me with something that could only be admiration, “I am really impressed.” He said and I knew he meant it.

“Well thank you.” I smiled, feeling rather flattered.

“So, knowing my interest, do you have any books to recommend?” he asked.

The way he said it, made it sound suggestive and I got the feeling he was flirting with me. I couldn’t be sure, but I had the feeling.

“I do actually.” I smiled just as suggestively, “Follow me.” I told him as I stepped out from behind the counter and headed towards the bookshelves.

“Hey you two crazy kids,” called James from behind the counter and I turned to look at him over my shoulder, I had completely forgotten he was there, “This is a library. So keep the chatter down to a minimum.” He grinned.

I rolled my eyes as James sent me a wink and continued on to the fiction section. I quickly found the ‘M’ shelf, knowing the library like the back of my hand before I grabbed a book and presented it to Ian.

“Tomorrow When the War Began.” He said, reading the title, before he looked up at me, “Wasn’t this a movie a few years ago?”

“Yes, but the book is always better.” I assured him.

“Oh ouch! Do you know what show I worked on?” he asked, with a light smile.

“I stand by my statement.” I said, grinning flirtatiously.

He grinned in response.

“Come on,” I smiled, “I’ll sign it out for you.”

Walking with a little pep in my step, I headed back behind the counter. Ian placed the book on the counter along with his library card. I scanned them both in and handed them back to him, “Please return within twenty-eight days.” I smiled.

“I will.” He promised, a strange spark coming into his eye.

“And be sure to tell what you think when you do.” I told him.

“Don’t worry, I will.” He said, as he backed away from the counter.

He held my gaze for a little longer, sending me a breath-taking smile before he headed out the door.

I smiled after him, feeling that strange floating, happy feeling as I did.

“I saw that.” Commented James.

“Saw what?” I asked as I turned to look at him.

“I saw you doing your little flirty thing with him. I saw it.” He grinned.

“I don’t know what your talking about.” I said innocently, though my smile gave me away.

“Ah huh. Sure.” He said knowingly.

…

I was sitting at the front desk, going through some paperwork when James walked in, still wearing his jogging gear.

“Ladies and gentleman,” he declared as he stood in front of the counter, “Fresh from forty-five minutes of jogging,” he spun around, his back to me as he dropped his jacket to the ground, “My ass!” he announced.

I laughed in amusement.

“Guess what else is making headlines,” he said as he turned to face me once more.

“What?” I asked, still smiling.

“Your boyfriend’s heading this way.” He grinned.

I frowned, “My boyfriend?”

“A certain Mr. Harding, plays an attractive English teacher on a beloved television series,” he told me.

“Who?” I asked feigning innocents, but my smile betrayed me.

“Nice try.” Said James as he straightened up, “Maybe if your naughty he’ll punish you.” He grinned.

“Go to the bathroom and get changed.” I commanded, still smiling like an idiot at the thought of seeing Ian again.

He made a kiss face at me before he headed off towards the bathroom. Once I was sure he was out of sight and couldn’t see me, I checked my appearance in my phones reflection. I didn’t look amazing, but I looked ok and that would have to do because a moment later, the front door opened and Ian stepped through the door.

I tried to look busy, like I didn’t even notice he had walked through the door until he placed the book down on the counter, “Oh Ian, hey.” I smiled, feigning surprise.

“Hey Clara.” He smiled.

My heart leapt into my throat as he said my name. I could never remember telling him my name, which meant he must have read my name tag. For some reason, that sent a thrill of excitement through me.

“How’d you go?” I asked as I grabbed the book.

“Look it was good, entertaining and all but…” he trailed off.

“Here we go. What’s wrong with it?” I asked.

“Well, it seemed like a rip off of the Red Dawn movie.” He said.

I frowned, “The what?”

“Red Dawn? It’s a nineteen eighties American film about China or North Korea invading America. And these teenagers hide in the bush and do a bunch of guerrilla tactic war fare stuff.” He explained.

“Oh.” I said, that was pretty much the plot of Tomorrow When the War Began. But it was one of my favourite books so I felt the need to defend it, “Well I haven’t seen that movie, but I’m sure John Marsden did it better.” I said.

“It was ok, like I said. But I prefer the American version.” He told me.

“Well I’m going to have to stay patriotic and prefer the Australian version.” I told him.

“You can’t prefer it if you’ve never seen the movie.” He argued.

“Its Australia made versus American made and I know where my loyalties lie.” I grinned.

“Well I know where my patriotic loyalties lie and I say that Red Dawn shits all over Tomorrow When the War Began.” He said.

“Did you tell me you were from Germany?” I asked.

“Don’t change the subject.” He quipped.

I laughed.

“When have Australian’s ever produced something that American didn’t do better?” he demanded.

But before I could answer him, James entered the room.

“Ladies and gentleman, please put your hands together for ‘Just James’” he declared as he struck a pose. He only held the pose for a moment before he realized we had company and while I was used to his dramatic antics, Ian was not.

“Oh,” he said, seeming surprised before he smiled, coming out of his pose, “Hello there.” He practically purred, “Can I help you?”

“Ah, no thanks.” Smiled Ian, seeming a little uncomfortable, “I’m just going to go take a look around.” He said, gesturing to the shelves behind him as he backed away from the desk. 

“Well yodel if you need anything.” James called.

He nodded before he turned on his heel and disappeared behind the shelves.

I smiled to myself as I went about scanning his book back in.

“Did I interrupt something?” asked James as he came behind the counter.

“No. We were just talking.” I smiled.

“Talking? Looked more like flirting to me.” He grinned, “I mean, your weird nerdy flirting, but flirting none the less.”

“Don’t you have work to be doing? There are put backs over there.” I said, pointing to the stack of books on the counter.

“Hey, don’t get me wrong, he looked like he was into it.” He said, putting his hands up in surrender.

I blinked, “What?”

“He was into you. Trust me.” He assured me.

His words made a bubble of hope expand in my stomach before I could stop it which made a smile come unbidden to my face. But I was quick to not let it overwhelm me, “Just, go and put the books away ok?”

“Ok.” He said in apparent surrender, still grinning.

I was still smiling when Ian came back, placing another book down on the counter. I grabbed it and peered at the cover with interest, “Les Miserables.” I read, “You know they call this book the brick because of how big it is.” I told him as I scanned it in, “You sure you’re going to be able to get through this thing in a month?”

“It will be a good challenge for me. I’ll go see the play when I finish it.” He told me.

“Taking in the London sights while you’re here?” I asked conversationally.

“Trying to.”

“You seen the London Eye? Big Ben and all that?”

“Yeah. I came. I saw. I conquered.” He said.

“You sound like your invading.” I smiled as I placed the book down on the counter again. 

Smiling he looked down as he grabbed the book and a frowned suddenly graced his features.

Frowning in confusion I looked down at the book to see what was making him frown. At first I saw nothing out of the ordinary but then, I saw it, like a big, neon flashing sign, I saw it; my engagement ring, still firmly on my ring finger.

Panicking I let go of the book and hid my hand behind my back.

Smiling awkwardly, he ducked his head, turned on his heel and headed out the door. Not bothering to look back at me even once.

I stared after him feeling as if my heart was shrivelling up with each step he took away from me. Sighing dejectedly, I turned to James, who was leaning back in the swivel chair, watching the whole thing.

Trust my stupid attachment to my stupid engagement ring to ruin my chances with Ian friggen Harding. I felt so stupid, I wanted to hit myself in the head, then find a hole in the bottom of the ocean to hide in.

James had other plans as he rolled up a piece of paper into a cone and put it to his lips like a megaphone, “You are cursed!” he declared.

I couldn’t help but agree as I turned around and lightly banged my head against the counter top. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

In that moment I hated that ring. Even once he was out of my life, Alex Stewart was still ruining everything.

Despite that, I still couldn’t take that ring, that stupid, stupid ring, off my damn finger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn ex boyfriends and getting in the way of future boyfriends. To find out more about the story and see all the little extras that go with it, check out my tumblr: http://teaenthusiast65.tumblr.com/


	3. Chapter 3

That filthy, rotten, lying, emotionless, tactless douchebag!

I had never been so angry or hurt in my entire life! My bad mood was not helped by the rain, which I had to walk in with no umbrella all the way to work, still fuming.

By the time I stepped in the front door of the library, I was soaked. I knew I must have resembled a drown rat with my long blond hair dripping at my sides, my make-up running and my clothes clinging to me like a second skin they were so wet.

James looked up as I entered in a huff, he took in my haggard appearance and annoyed expression and he smiled. I knew what was about to happen, James was going to let loose some witty or sarcastic comment, which given my appearance seemed like the obvious thing to do. But I wasn’t in the mood.

“Don’t. It’s too easy.” I told him as I dumped my bag behind reception and came around the counter.

“Do you want a towel?” He grinned.

I didn’t respond as I peeled off my soaking jacket and draped it over the back of the desk chair to dry. Throwing my hair over my shoulder, I grabbed it and twisted it with both hands, wringing it out, which caused water to splatter the floor.

Huffing in exhaustion, I flopped down onto the floor in defeat. Although the tears threatened, I refused to cry.

James sighed as he came and sat next to me on the floor, “Want to talk about it?” he asked.

Part of me wanted to stay silent, I was perfectly content to sit on the floor for a couple of minutes and sulk, but I knew James wouldn’t let up until I told him what had happened, so I took a deep breath in and began.

“I still have Alex on Facebook. He hardly ever posts anything so it didn’t occur to me to delete him. Then this morning I get up to check my feed, like I do every morning and some girl has posted dozen’s of pictures of the two of them together. Tagged him in very one. Those stupid, cute, couple pictures that everyone takes you know, like them hugging, kissing each other cheeks and then kissing each other…” I said shaking my head in disgust.

“Who is this bitch? I’m going to report her for inappropriate images.” Said James as he whipped out his phone. 

“I mean, I know I dumped him, but we were engaged! Isn’t it a little too soon for him to be dating again? Let alone parading it all over Facebook.” I said.

“Totally too soon! I mean, talk about tacky. He’s obviously doing it to get back at you.” He replied.

“As if that wasn’t bad enough, Alex commented.” I told him.

James’s mouth popped open in shock, “he did not!”

I nodded.

“Where? I want to see- oh! Oh my god!” said James as he stared at his phone intently, “Love you Moana, never felt this way about anyone before.” He read.

I nodded, “Yep.”

“Wow! So in one swoop he not only rubs your face in his new relationship but totally negates your entire relationship.” Said James.

“Exactly!” I let out in annoyance, “I mean, you have to admit, that’s pretty low. Even for him.”

“Oh yeah.” He agreed.

I sighed deeply as I stared at my hand where his ring still sat, situated on my finger, “And all this time I thought we still meant something to each other. That our relationship meant something. I still wear his ring for Pete’s sake!”

“Take that off!” said James, sounding disgusted.

He was right. I hated that ring and everything it now stood for. It no longer filled me with happy memories of my previous relationship but served as a reminder of just how little our relationship had meant to Alex and how little he respected me.

Angry beyond belief, I twisted and pulled until the ring came off in my hand. I made to throw it but James’s snatched it off me before I could, “Hey, hock it. Don’t mock it.” He said, “Buy yourself a nice pair of shoes.”

At that point in time, I was pretty sure no amount of retail therapy was going to make me feel any better. Feeling pathetic, I slumped my head against James’s shoulder and fought back the urge to cry.

How could Alex do this to me? Did he not know how embarrassing it was for everyone that knew us both, that he had moved on so quickly? That he was posting it all over Facebook for everyone to see? Did he not realize how insulting that was to me? How it made me seem as just another blimp on his radar and not a previous fiancé? That it made it look like that our entire relationship and the memories we had made together meant nothing now!

“You know I trained as a life guard,” began James suddenly, “And we had this female dummy that we had to practice CPR on. You know what we called it?” he asked.

“What?” I sniffed, turning to look at him.

“Mouth to Mouth Moana.” He grinned.

Despite myself, I smiled.

“Don’t worry about it.” He soothed, “tonight, you, me, my roommate Mia and Barbara are all going to go out and get drunk.” He told me, “Girl power!” he declared.

I smiled again, already feeling a little better.

“Now, stop being sad and start being productive.” He said as he stood up, “There are a bunch of put-backs you need to do.” He said.

I sighed, putting a bunch of books away and focusing on that was exactly what I needed. I needed something that would distract me from Alex and all the problems he brought into my life, even though he was no longer in it.

I was just about to stand up, resigning myself to the task when James gasped in shock, staring at the doors.

I frowned in confusion, “What?”

“Get up! Get up! Get up!” he hissed, grabbing a handful of my jumper and practically hauling me to his feet.

Confused I turned to look at the door to see Ian Harding was outside, currently closing his umbrella and shaking the water from it.

Now it was my turn to gasp, he was wearing a dark blue stylish coat and his hair was slightly wet. He looked amazing!

Had it really been twenty-eight days since I’d seen him last?

“Out with the old and in with the new.” Grinned James.

I smiled at him, he had a point. If Alex could move on, then I could too. And Ian Harding was way better than mouth-to-mouth Moana. Though it was only a small part of my motivation, it would feel good to rub an extremely good looking man in Alex’s face.

But my main motivation was that I liked Ian. He was good looking and smart. He could hold an intelligent and interesting conversation with me.

I furiously wiped at my cheeks to remove any excess make-up with as Ian looked up, his beautiful blue eyes locked with mine and I smiled.

But just as our eyes locked, someone else stepped through the door with him. That someone was an extremely attractive red head wearing heels and lipstick and looking more attractive than anyone should be when they came inside after being in exposed to such miserable weather conditions outside.

Compared to her, in that moment, I knew I must look particularly bad. But I also realized I was ogling and I tore my gaze away from him and tried to look busy sorting the books at the desk.

Ian came up to the desk and placed Les Miserables on the bench. I looked up once again and caught his eye, he smiled.

He smiled, that was good. Perhaps we could talk about what he thought of the book? Maybe he was planning to see the show? Maybe I could go with him?

But before I could utter so much as a word, he turned to the girl he was with, smiled, and headed off towards the book shelves.

I looked after him longingly.

“My god, bad timing!” commented James as the two of them disappeared behind one of the shelves.

“They could just be friends.” I supplied hopefully. I couldn’t accept defeat just yet though I knew I had no chance of competing for a guy like Ian’s affections with a girl like that.

“Friends my ass!” he hissed, “Even I’d have that chick as my wife.”

I pouted unhappily as I heard a distinctly female giggle sound from behind the shelves.

“Oh my god,” said James, sounding revolted, “I knew this would happen.”

“You knew what would happen?” I asked, tearing my gaze away from the bookshelves and turning to look at him.

“I knew if I hung around heterosexuals long enough I’d catch it.” He said, pulling a face of revulsion.

Another giggle from behind the bookcases distracted me. What were they doing behind there? I had to know.

Grabbing the stack of books, I headed towards the bookshelves and made it look like I was putting the books away while I snuck not so coveted glances at the two.

Ian and the mysterious red head were reading a book. He was sitting on the edge of a table and she had leaned her chin against his shoulder as she looked over it to read the same book he was.

It was absolutely adorable and my perfect idea of a date. So of course, I was jealous and because I apparently liked to cause myself pain, I continued to watch them. If either of them caught me, I knew I would look like such a creeper. But in that moment, I didn’t care.

When I finished my stack of put-backs, I made my way back to the desk, feeling more than a little sorry for myself. I busied myself with paperwork to pass the time until James eventually cleared his throat and whispered, “Incoming.”

I looked up to see Ian and the beautiful red head approaching the desk.

Standing up to greet them, I forced a smile on my face. Which became particularly strained when I saw the girl thread her fingers through Ian’s and clutch his arm happily as he placed a book on the table, “You’re going to love it.” She told him.

He was getting book recommendations from her now? Really? I thought that was our thing! Jealously flared so strongly within me that I began to grind my teeth together.

Grabbing the book, I saw she had recommended the first book of the Twilight series. Well that spoke legions about her taste in books and her character. Though I had to commend her taste in men.

Scanning the book in, I handed it back to Ian, looking at his face hopefully, wishing for a smile or some sort of acknowledgement on his part that I existed…

But he didn’t. Instead he took the book, turned to the girl he was with, smiled and headed out the door. Their hands still locked together.

They walked out the door and I watched as Ian opened up his umbrella once more, the two of them huddled under it closely before they headed out into the stormy weather. Though they may as well have been walking off into the sunset together.

I sighed as I leaned against the bench and James joined me, mimicking my position, “You know,” he began, “I bet she’s not even a natural red head.”

Even his jokes couldn’t make me feel better.

…

Like a kid at Christmas, I waited with giddy excitement twenty-eight days later.

I’d been rehearsing in my head what I was going to say to him ever since I had seen that the automatic email to remind him to bring his book back had been sent, knowing he would be in any day now.

‘Hi Ian how are you?’

‘I’m good too, thanks. How did you like the book?’

‘Really? You hated it? Me too. What a coincidence.’

‘Oh you and that girl broke up? That’s too bad.’

‘Did you get a chance to see the show of Les Mis after you finished reading the book? I was going to go and see it but I had no one to go with. Maybe we could help each other out?’

‘Absolutely. I’d love to go with you.’

‘Yes, I’d love to have your babies.’

Apart from the babies line, which I would only ever say in my head, I thought my rehearsed conversation was pretty good and when he stepped in the door, looking as handsome as ever, I felt prepared.

Except that she was with him.

The weather was a little warmer now and she was wearing a dress that revealed her long, smooth legs. I may have been tall, but I didn’t have legs like that. She could be a super model!

Feeling dejected, I made myself smile as the two approached the reception. Placing the book on the counter, Ian’s blue eyes locked with mine and he smiled.

I felt my heart splutter and a bubble of hope grow inside of me. Maybe…

He turned back to the red head and smiled at her before they linked hands and headed over to the shelves without another word.

And just like that my bubble burst, leaving me feeling deflated.

James joined me at the counter as we watched the two of them disappear behind the shelves.

“Who is he the son of Shakespeare?” he commented.

I didn’t say anything. I knew he was trying to joke but I didn’t find it amusing. To me, he was the son of Shakespeare. He was romantic and deep and everything I ever wanted.

“Who brings a date to the library anyway?” he asked rhetorically. 

“He does.” I said, even though I knew his question didn’t require an answer.

“Urgh, how boring.” He said in distaste, “Boring and weird.” He commented.

But it wasn’t. Not to me.

A date in a library was just my kind of boring. My exact kind of weird.

Before I could stop myself, I imagined my perfect date with Ian in a library. We could talk about all the books we read as we saw them on the shelves, reading our favourite passages to one another… recommending books that we hadn’t read… and debating over the ones that we had read… maybe even sneaking a kiss or two when we thought no one was looking but because we couldn’t help ourselves….

I wasn’t sure how long I was lost in my day dream for but I was woken out of it when Ian and the girl he was with approached the desk.

“You really should get a library card Jemma.” He told her.

“Oh please, I don’t know why you even have one! It’s so much cheaper just to buy eBooks.” She told him.

I resisted the urge to wrinkle my nose, I already didn’t like her for a couple of reasons. The first and foremost being that she was all over Ian, the second being that she thought ‘Twilight’ was a book to recommend and that people would ‘love’. But she had gone too far by not only insulting library’s, my place of work, but books in general! My first love!

How could the cool, sleek feel of an iPad ever replace the warm and sturdy feeling of a book in your hands? How could staring at an iPad ever replace the beautiful view of looking at your collected books on a shelf?

Anyone who thought eBooks were better than actual books obviously had a screw loose. What did Ian see in her? Was it just her looks? She was pretty, even I had to admit that.

But Ian seemed to have more substance than that. Surely he would be interested in a girl for more than her looks. Surely he could see that she was about as deep as a kiddie pool.

He needed someone that he was attracted to mentally as well as physically. He needed someone who could stimulate his mind and talk about the good literature he seemed to so clearly value.

He needed someone like me.

Scanning the book in, I smiled at him as I placed it on the counter to hand it back to him. Hoping and praying that I would get just a tiny glimpse of his smile.

I was rewarded with a tiny crooked smile that tugged at one side of his mouth before he turned, grabbed Jemma’s hand and walked out the door.

I watched them go, feeling forlorn.

Suddenly James came to my side, having pushed himself over on the desk chair, “Hey,” he said, nudging my elbow.

I turned to look at him.

“Don’t worry.” He soothed, “I guarantee you, they’ll be over in a few months.”

I brightened at his words, they offered little hope, but it was hope none the less, “You think?”

“Oh please.” He scoffed, “Was Daniel Radcliffe robbed of a Tony?” he demanded.

I blinked in confusion; I didn’t know the answer to that.

“Of course he was!” he let out pointedly.

I rolled my eyes, the truth was, I didn’t understand half the pop culture references that James made. The only reason I knew who Daniel Radcliff was, was because of the Harry Potter movies.

“You’ll see, the next time he comes in, he’ll be alone.” He told me.

I tried to believe him.

But as usual, James was wrong.

…

The next time Ian came into the library, there were three of them.

Ian. Jemma. And her massive baby-bump.

I didn’t even bother to hide my shock as Ian placed his previous book on the counter. I simply stared at her stomach as if it was containing some sort of alien, which if she was carrying it, it probably was.

Without a word or a smile Ian took Jemma’s hand and headed off towards the book shelves.

I stood there, still shell shocked.

She was pregnant. They were together and she was pregnant.

No, it had to be a joke. I had to be seeing things.

I turned to James to see if he had seen what I had seen; Ian’s girlfriend was pregnant.

The look on his face told me he had.

Maybe it wasn’t his?

Leaning over the counter and craning my neck, I spied them over by the book shelves, looking at baby books for Pete’s sake!

As if he could hear my thoughts, Ian reached down and placed his hand over Jemma’s stomach, rubbing it lovingly. He wouldn’t do that if the baby wasn’t his.

It was confirmed. There was no denying it; Jemma was pregnant with Ian’s child.

Sighing in defeat, I slumped down into the office chair. Was this how soldiers felt after they had been close to an explosion? Numb? Disconnected from their body? As if everything around them wasn’t quite real? That they weren’t real?

I was pulled out of my thoughts as James handed me the cloth that we used to wipe down the counters, I turned to him in confusion, waiting for an explanation as to why he would hand me the rag when the counters were spotless.

“Want to throw in the towel?” he asked.

I smacked his hand away and turned to the computer, focusing on my work, I was mad at him. Despite my better judgement I had believed James and had built up my hope in that Ian would come to the library alone today, that he and Jemma would be over.

But he hadn’t. Instead he had come here with her and proof that if he was any sort of decent guy, which he was, they were going to be together for at least the next eighteen years.

For some reason, I felt humiliated.

I’d never said anything to Ian about how I felt about him, but just the fact that I had liked him and he so clearly had never felt the same way was embarrassing to me. How could I have ever thought a guy like Ian would be interested in a girl like me? He was a minor celebrity and I was not. I was a nobody.

Less than nobody, I was a librarian! In ever incarnation of this story, I was barely even noticed. No one noticed the librarian. I was not the hero of any story and I certainly did not end up with the guy in the end.

Despite being focused on the computer; I could tell when Ian and Jemma came up to the reception and I refused to acknowledge them. Not even when Ian cleared his throat to get my attention; I wouldn’t bite.

Instead, James stepped up to the counter, “Hello there.” He said happily as he grabbed the book from him, “Oh baby planning. That’s a fun read.” He commented happily.

I ground my teeth together.

“Are you expecting a little bundle yourselves?” asked James happily.

There was an awkward pause where, despite having my back to them, I waited for Ian to answer. But he didn’t. She did.

“Yes, we are.” Said Jemma.

“Well, mozzle toff.” Said James happily.

I heard the beep from the computer meaning James had scanned the book in and Ian was free to leave once more.

“Enjoy.” Said James.

“Thanks.” Said Ian, his voice sounded dull.

I didn’t dare turn around until I heard the door close and I was certain he had left. Even then, I continued to stare at the computer screen.

“You know what we need?” asked James suddenly.

His enthusiasm was annoying me, “What?” I asked dully.

“A song!” he declared.

A song, really? How on earth was that supposed to make me feel better?

“Touch me in the morning….” Sang James.

Sighing in aggravation I grabbed a stack of books and stood up, “Honey I’m busy, touch yourself.” I replied as I stalked off towards the shelves to put the stack of books away, resigning myself to my fate.

I was the librarian; putting books back that people had borrowed was all I was good for.


	4. Chapter 4

“Alright, that’s it!” said Barbara throwing her hands up in the air, “I’ve had it up to here with you!” she declared.

I blinked in shock, “What did I do?”

“We are at Harry Potter world and you look as happy as a kid at the dentist.” She said angrily, “You’ve been sulking for weeks now! What is wrong with you?”

“Nothing!” I defended.

“Oh come off it!” she scoffed, “Tell me what’s wrong?”

Sometimes Barbara was too perceptive. People could often mistake her for being a bit of an air-head because of all the random and silly things she did. But Barbara was a fiercely loyal friend and she knew more than she let on.

“Today is not about me. Its about you.” I told her, hoping to deflect her attention, “We’re celebrating the fact that you got a call to audition for that movie.” I reminded her.

“No, we’re celebrating the fact that I got moved up from ensemble to understudy. We’re celebrating the audition when we go out for dinner tonight.” She corrected.

“My bad.” I replied. It was sometimes hard for me to keep the reasons behind why we were doing certain things straight.

“I am not going to be able to enjoy my day until you tell me what’s wrong. You’re my best friend Clara, when you’re upset, I’m upset.” She told me.

“It’s seriously nothing.” I dismissed.

But she didn’t buy it and the truth was, I knew she wouldn’t.

Staging an intervention, she brought two butter beers and we sat down at a table and chairs in Diagon Alley and I told her everything.

“She’s pregnant? Seriously?” she demanded in shock.

“Yep.” I said, popping the ‘p’ sound.

“Wow!” she marvelled.

“Yeah.” I agreed, feeling sorry for myself.

“Well you know what you have to do.” She said decidedly.

“Invest in a time machine?” I asked dully.

“Move on.” She told me.

I blinked in shock, that wasn’t the answer I had been expecting.

“Look, I know you were the one that broke up with Alex but you still loved him for ages after that. With Ian, he’s effectively broken up with you,” she told me.

“He didn’t break up with me. We were never together.” I corrected.

“Regardless, he’s made it clear that you are not a viable dating option.” She said pointedly.

“Right now.” I said ominously, not bothering to hide the hopefulness in my voice.

“Are you seriously thinking of waiting around for a guy who has gotten another girl pregnant in the hopes that he will some day leave her?” she demanded.

I didn’t want to dignify her question with an answer, even though we both knew what my reply would be.

“You keep doing this.” She sighed.

“Doing what?”

“Getting yourself into impossible situations, romantically.”

“I do not.” I defended.

“First it was Alex. A guy who loved you but wouldn’t let you be the real you. Then you have Ian, a guy who is obviously perfect for you except for the fact that he is with someone else. It’s like you thrive on heart break.” She said.

I grumbled in response, as much as I was loathed to admit it. She had a point.

“You can’t keep clinging on to these guys wishing that something would change because its not going to. Alex is a douche. And Ian is with someone else.” She told me.

I sighed and let my head droop down onto the table. She was right. Why did she have to be right?

“I’m pathetic.” I mumbled.

She patted my head comfortingly, “You’re not pathetic. Your just an incurable romantic and an optimistic. Its what I like about you.”

“I thought you liked me for my cooking skills.” I questioned, raising my head to look at her.

“That too.” She smiled.

I laughed despite myself; sometimes it was good to have a friend like Barbara.

…

When he walked in with a baby in his arms, I wanted to be cold. I wanted to put as much emotional distance between us as I possibly could.

But there was something about that helpless bundle of mush in his arms that made me smile and lean over the desk for a better look.

“Hi there,” I cooed.

“Maggie this is Clara. Clara, this is Maggie.” Said Ian, showing me the baby in his arms.

Like most babies, her head was too big for her body. She couldn’t be more than a week or two old, but already she had a dusting of hair on her head that was the same red colour as her mothers. But I noted, adorably, that she had the same blue-grey eyes as her father.

“She’s adorable.” I gushed.

“Thank you.” Ian said, smiling briefly at me before he turned back to the bundle in his arms, “We’ve been keeping mummy awake at night. So we’ve gone out so she can get some rest. Haven’t we?”

Normally baby talk annoyed me. They were babies, tiny human beings that could barely see in front of their face and who could be entertained by a set of car keys. Talking to them in that kind of voice didn’t make them any cuter or entertain them any more that talking to them normally would have.

But hearing Ian talk that way, with such love and affection, I felt as if my insides had turned to mush and that my ovaries were exploding all at the same time.

“Oh my goodness!” gasped James coming to stand at my side, “She’s adorable! Look at that red hair.”

Ian smiled again.

“Koochy coo. Koochy coo….” He cooed before he turned to me, “That totally reminds me of the song.”

“What song?” asked Ian.

“Koochy, koochy, ya, ya, pre ol, lady marmalade.” He sung, snapping his fingers theatrically.

I laughed, shaking my head at my friends silliness. Ian sent me a quick smile before he turned and walked away.

I watched as the two of them headed over towards the shelves.

“I feel for you sis,” said James, patting my shoulder tenderly, “Men with babies are ten times more attractive than they normally were.”

I sighed dejectedly, sadly this was one of the few times James was right. Seeing Ian with that baby made my heart ache. A small part of me, a microscopically small, wondered what it would be like if Ian was holding my baby.

Would it have white blonde hair like me? And eyes like him?

Not willing to explore that train of thought any further, I busied myself with placing barcodes on a new shipment of books we had gotten in. At least Jemma wasn’t with him, I had to be thankful for that.

A little while later he came back and placed ‘The Magic Faraway Tree’ on the counter top.

“Oh I loved this book growing up.” I smiled as I took it from the counter and scanned it into the computer.

“Really? Most girls I know hate this book.” He told me.

I frowned in confusion, “Why?”

“Well, from a feminist standpoint, they think her writing is very sexist.” He said pointedly.

“It’s not sexist, it’s realistic. Woman’s role at the time was to be in the house and look after the husband. It was just the facts. If the novel was written nowadays and she still wrote all her female characters like that, then I would say she’s sexist.” I told him, “But as it stands, I think those books were the Harry Potters of their time.”

He nodded in agreement, a small smile tugging at his lips, as if he liked what I said.

“So if you’ve already read it, why are you getting it again?” I asked curiously.

“Well, I thought I might read it to the little one.” He said, gesturing to the baby in his arms, “She likes to be talked to.”

“What’s wrong with reading ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’?” I smiled.

“If I have to read that book one more time, I will snap.” He said seriously.

I laughed.

“I will snap!” he said loudly.

I laughed louder which caused Maggie to stir.

“Oops. I think we woke her.” He said.

“Sorry.” I winced.

“Its ok.” He said, seeming genuinely delighted before he turned to me with a smile, “See you next month?” he asked.

“Yeah, see you next month.” I smiled.

I liked the way he made it sound like a promise.

…

“Its your one year anniversary today.” I told Ian as I scanned his card and saw the notification flashing on the screen.

“My what?” he asked.

“Its been one year since you joined the library here and borrowed your first book.” I explained, “The computer keeps a record of everything. Every book you borrow, when it’s due back, all that kind of thing.”

“Wow. Has it really been a year?” he asked seeming surprised.

I nodded, “Time flies huh?”

Time did not in fact fly. I could recount perfectly the twelve different times Ian had been into the library. I could tell you what he said to me each time he was alone with me. But that was a rarity nowadays as he either had his daughter Maggie or Jemma with him.

Today, however, he was alone.

“Do I get something special for being a yearlong subscriber?” he smiled.

“I have some mints in my bag if you want one?” I offered.

“I’ll pass.” He laughed.

I still loved to hear his laugh. Even after all this time.

“Just as well. I think they’ve been in there so long they’re probably gone off.” I said wisely.

“Can mints go off?” He queried.

“I have no idea.” I said honestly.

“I suppose it would be hard to tell when they always smell minty-fresh.” He grinned.

I smiled at his joke, “Maybe they stop smelling like that and instead start smelling like morning breath.”

“I think you’re onto something there.” He said seriously.

I laughed in response.

“I’ll talk to you later.” He said as he headed towards the door.

“Bye.” I called, sending him a small wave.

He waved back before he ducked out the door.

…

The next time he came in, Jemma was with him. But surprisingly no Maggie.

I was so surprised by the absence of their child that I actually opened my mouth to ask where she was when they passed but the scowl of Jemma’s face frightened me. She looked at me as she passed, as if daring me to say something.

I didn’t. Instead I resisted the urge to duck down behind the desk and hide.

Once they went behind the bookshelves I turned to James, “Did you see that?” I whispered incredulously.

“I saw it!” he hissed back, seeming scandalous, “My god, I thought the flesh was going to melt off her face!”

I snorted in amusement, “Why do you think I was getting the stink eye?”

“Maybe Ian is secretly in love with you and she knows about it.” He stage-whispered dramatically.

I rolled my eyes.

“And the baby isn’t his.” He added, “And that’s not really Ian at all but an imposter who had plastic surgery to look just like him.” He said scandalously.

“No James, if this is a soap opera, that is totally his evil twin.” I said pointedly.

James giggled happily, “Want me to handle the transaction? I don’t trust Jemma not to leap across the counter and claw your eyes out.” He said.

“Please.” I smiled as I switched places with him.

Now he stood at the front desk and I sat at the computer scrolling through Facebook instead of working.

“Hi,” James greeted when they came back.

“Hi.” Said Ian.

Jemma was silent.

I couldn’t see her, but I could practically feel her eyes boring into the back of my head.

“I’ve been binge watching Pretty Little Liars since I broke up with my boyfriend.” Said James as I heard the beep of the scanner, “He kept the television but I kept the Netflix account.”

“Are you liking it?” asked Ian conversationally.

“Yeah, its great.” He said happily.

“Ian, come on. Let’s go.” Whined Jemma.

I didn’t hear anything after that until the front door closed.

“What a bitch.” Commented James as he came and sat on my lap, “Is your hair on fire?” he asked.

“No. Why?” I asked as I leaned back in the chair.

“She was staring so hard I was convinced you were going to spontaneously combust.” He told me.

I rolled my eyes before I shoved him off me and got back to work.

…

The next time he came in, he was alone once more. No Jemma and no Maggie and I was free to stare at him the way I wanted.

And stare at him I did. With my head propped up on the heel of my hand, I was so busy spying on him from between the shelves that I didn’t notice the cute blonde boy that came into the library.

I didn’t notice, but James did and he smacked my arm to get my attention as he pointed him out. By that stage James had been broken up with his long term boyfriend Paul for a couple of months. He was very much single and ready to mingle.

Turning to me he put his shoulders back and smiled, “Watch and learn kid.”

I watched in both amusement and fascination as he approached the boy. I imagined flirting for James must be a whole lot harder than it was for straight people because before he even approached someone, he had to find out what their sexual preference was. It wasn’t like me who could just assume all guys were straight until proven otherwise. I was curious to see how he would go about it.

“Excuse me,” he began, placing his hand on his chest, “But what’s that on your shoe?”

Alarmed the boy looked down at his feet, picking up his right foot and examining it, before he picked up the left.

This was apparently the right reaction as James did a small frantic dance when he wasn’t looking before he put his shoulders back and leaned against the book case, talking to the boy in a flirtatious tone.

I smiled and shook my head. He made it look so easy. But it wasn’t.

Despite myself I began to wonder what would have happened if on that first day I had approached Ian that way…

What if when he asked me for a book I had introduced myself instead, flipping my long blonde hair over my shoulder as I did and smiling flirtatiously as I asked ‘do you come here often?’

But it hadn’t happened like that and I had long since resigned myself to sneaking coveted glances of him through the book cases.

…

“They can do it can they? For how much? Yes. No. No, I want the contracted signed before we commit to anything.” Said Jemma, pacing through the shelves as she talked on her phone.

I had to stop putting the books away. Being in her proximity while she talked on the phone, so clearly ignoring both Ian and Maggie, was making my blood boil.

But worst of all, she was talking. In a library.

“You’d think she’d go outside.” Mumbled James as I came back to reception with a half-finished stack of books.

“You have to put these back. If I’m near her, I’m going to rip that phone from her hand and throw it at her.” I said quietly.

“Oh, taking anger management lessons off Russell Crowe are we?” he grinned.

I frowned in confusion, “What?” I asked, obviously failing to get whatever he was referencing.

“Never mind.” He dismissed as he collected the remainder of my books and headed off towards the shelves.

Eventually Ian approached the reception desk, Maggie in one arm and a book in his other hand. Jemma trailed along behind them, still talking on the phone.

Smiling, like I always did, I scanned the book in and handed it back to him.

He smiled back, like he always did before he turned and went on his way. He even held the door open for Jemma, despite the fact that he had a baby in his arms as she continued to focus on nothing but her phone.

…

“How did your ‘in the flesh’ audition go?” I asked as soon as Barbara walked in the door.

“I think it went ok.” She told me as she came and sat down, “I mean, I sang for them in person this time. So we will just have to wait and see.”

“What do you mean wait and see? How come you have to wait so long?” I asked.

“Because they have to see all the other girls who have auditioned and compare me to them and see if they still want to have me back.” She explained.

“But, they’ve seen you sing twice now. What was wrong with the first time?”

“The first time on the video was just for the casting director. The second time, in the flesh was for the producer and director.” She said.

“So if you get the call back will you be singing again?”

“Probably not. They will most likely get me to do some acting the next time round.”

“Urgh. Your career is so confusing.”

“I know.”

“And frustrating! How can you stand waiting around for months to find out if you get an audition and a call back and another call back. When does it ever end?”

“It doesn’t. Not unless you win an Oscar.” She said simply, “though having a Tony can sometimes help.”

I shook my head in bewilderment, “Wow.”

“I know.” She sighed, seeming exhausted.

“So what song did you sing?” I asked curiously.

“On My Own from Les Mis.” She replied.

I smiled despite myself.

“Why are you smiling?” 

“Nothing.” I assured her, “You just reminded me of something.”

“Your weird.”

“I know.”


	5. Chapter 5

It was July in London. Which meant that the weather was nice. There was a light breeze that perfectly off-set the bright sun.

It was such a change from the normally miserable London weather that I did something I rarely ever did; I wore a dress.

Normally on a warm day like today I would have worn shorts, but today, for some reason, I felt like wearing a dress.

But not just any dress, a nice sundress that made me look more suited to playing in the fields than it did working in a library. I pulled my hair back off my face but let the rest of it hang down behind my back.

It was strange to say but I felt beautiful and because I felt that way, everything else seemed to be more beautiful.

Even James, sitting on his phone and texting Craig, the boy he’d met a few months ago in this very library didn’t bother me. I was happy that he was so in love.

Of course, that was when Ian walked in. But not even that could spoil my mood.

He too seemed to be taking advantage of the nice weather as he wore a simple shirt and jeans. He looked rather handsome with his hair swept back the way it was and I smiled at him warmly as he approached the desk.

“Hi.” I smiled.

“Hi.” He breathed, seeming a little out of breath.

“How’d you find it?” I asked, gesturing to the book as I scanned it in. It was some book I had never read entitled ‘The Girl on The Train’.

“It was good. Bit of a nail-biting thriller type.” He told me as he put his hands in his pockets and shifted his weight from foot to foot nervously.

I briefly wondered what he could be nervous about before I spoke again, “Well if you like that kind of thing, you should read Gone Girl. I know everyone’s seen the movie but books-”

“Are always better.” He finished for me with a smile, “and thanks but I’ve read it already.”

I shrugged. Normally that kind of rebuttal would have left me feeling awkward and rejected, but not today.

“Let me know if you need anything.” I said simply as I turned to catalogue his book in the stack of put-back books.

He nodded his head before he quickly shuffled away, heading over to the book shelves.

Eventually he came back with a big blue book, placing it on the counter, I picked it up with interest.

“Eragon.” I read.

“Have you read it?” he asked.

“No. But my roommate has the series and she loved them. I always meant to read them but I’ve never gotten around to it. My list of books to read is too long.” I told him.

“What’s on this list?” he asked curiously.

“What you’d expect, Anna Karina, To Kill A Mockingbird, Water for Elephants,” I listed.

“You know those are all movies now right?”

I opened my mouth but he finished my sentence before I could even speak the first word.

“The books are better than the movies, I know.” He assured me.

I smiled.

“What are some things I wouldn’t expect to be on the list?” he asked.

“Ah…” I trailed off, “My Time In Russia by Bonny Propipso.”

“What’s it about?” he asked.

“It’s based on a true story about an Australian Ballerina that was over in Russia to dance when the siege of Leningrad happened. She fell in love with a soldier and refused to leave him.” I explained.

“Siege of Leningrad?” he asked.

“It’s known as St. Petersburg now.” I explained.

“Ah. I like a girl who knows her history.” He smiled.

I flushed at the compliment and looked up at him through my lashes. I could be mistaken but he was staring at me with something akin to wonder, fascination maybe? I couldn’t quite tell.

“Hey Clara,” interrupted James, announcing himself as he emerged from the book shelves, “Have I told you how much I love your outfit today?” he asked.

“Thank you.” I smiled, “It’s vintage.”

While vintage may have meant that my dress was custom, to me, it actually meant that I had gotten it from a Good Will store and it was probably older than my mother.

“Perfection!” he told me.

“I know.” I said, flipping my hair over my shoulder before I turned back to look at Ian.

If he found my exchange with James strange, he didn’t show it. Instead he smiled and headed towards the door, “Well, good luck with the list.”

“Thanks. I’ll get to it one day.” I smiled.

“Well you’re in the right place for it.” He said as he opened the door.

I simply smiled and watched him leave.

Once he was gone, James heaved himself up onto the counter and sat down, swinging his legs playfully, “So you look nice today.” He stated.

“Thank you.”

“You’re not dressing up to get the attention of a certain someone, are you?” he asked slyly.

I frowned at him, “A girl can’t just dress up some day to look nice?”

“Not typically but if you are good for you.” He stated, “Ian certainly noticed.”

My frown deepened, “He what?”

“You didn’t notice? He was totally flirting with you just now. He couldn’t take his eyes off you.” He told me.

I blinked in shock, “He was?”

He nodded so enthusiastically it reminded me of a cartoon.

“Why would he be flirting with me? He has a girlfriend.” I said pointedly.

“Mother of his child is not a girlfriend.” He retorted.

“Typically it’s a wife.” I corrected.

James rolled his eyes, “He was into you!”

“He was not!” I dismissed.

I was not going to let it happen again. I wasn’t going to let that bubble of hope expand inside of me just to have it burst the moment Jemma stepped in the door. I didn’t need the heartache.

…

I blew my nose for what felt like the hundredth time that morning and it made Barbara cringe.

“Its September. How can you have a cold in September?” she asked me.

“Because we’re in a miserable country with miserable weather.” I told her, the words coming out nasally because of my congested sinus’s.

“Urgh, I’m going to go make a cup of tea. You want one?” she asked as she stood up from the couch.

“A lemon and honey one?” I asked hopefully, my throat was getting a little sore from all the coughing I had been doing.

“Only for you sweetness.” She smiled before she headed off into the kitchen.

Snuggling down onto the couch a little more with my blanket wrapped around me, I grabbed my phone as it buzzed on the coffee table, I had a message from James: ‘Guess who just left?’

‘Who?’ I texted back. He was at work while I was taking a much needed sick day and I imagined he was quite bored without me there to talk to and annoy.

‘Ian Harding. He asked about you.’

My heart leapt into my throat, ‘He did?’

‘Yeah. He asked where you were and I told him you were sick. He said he hopes you get better soon.’

Stupidly, I felt flattered by his concern, ‘Well that’s nice.’

‘You would have loved to have seen Jemma’s face. It was priceless.’

‘Describe it for me in detail.’

‘Cross between ‘I smell something rotten’ and ‘I just sucked on a lemon’.’

Despite feeling horrible, I suddenly found myself smiling, ‘Brilliant.’

‘Make you feel better?’

‘Absolutely.’

‘Good. Come back to work then. I’m bored without you. I have no one to talk to.’

‘Why don’t you read a book?’

‘In a library? Who would have thought of that?’

Smiling at his sarcasm I placed my phone down on the coffee table just as Barbara came over to the couch and handed me my cup of tea.

“Thank you.” I smiled.

“Your welcome. Just don’t touch me. I don’t want to catch whatever plague you have.” She said as she sat down.

“What are you talking about? You’re an understudy. Your job literally improves when someone else’s sick. You can afford to be sick.” I told her.

“Yes, but I love my job and don’t relish the thought of spending a week an oozing, sneezing, snot infested mess.” She told me.

“Hey, I love my job.” I defended.

“I know you do. That’s what makes you so adorable.” She smiled before she made a kiss face and turned her attention back to the television.

I turned my attention to the warm cup of tea in my hands. Taking a sip, I let the hot liquid warm me from the inside. Though my insides already felt quite warm due to my conversation about Ian with James.

“How did your call back go?” I asked conversationally.

“Ok I think. I just did a monologue in front of the producer and director again.” She told me.

“So what happens now?”

“Now I wait and see if they want me to do a chemistry read with the other actor.”

“A chemistry what?”

“Its where you get two people together and see if they have sparks that translate onto film.” She explained.

“So not only do they judge you based on your looks, they now judge you as to whether your attracted to a complete stranger?” I demanded.

“Pretty much.” She shrugged.

“That’s messed up.”

“I know.”

“I’m beginning to think your entire profession actually has very little to do with whether you have actual talent.” I commented.

“I know.”

“I mean, they chose you for your looks. Then tested whether or not you could sing. Then tested whether or not you could sing in front of people. Then they test for if you can act. Now they are going to test if you can act with another person?”

“Well it sounds stupid when you say it like that.”

“That’s because it is stupid.”

“Hey! I don’t make fun of your career!” she said pointedly.

“Yes you do!” I said in aghast.

“Name one time.”

“All the time!”

“Like when?”

“They other day. You asked me if I had to put in an incident report if I ever got a paper cut on one of the books.” I reminded her.

“Oh yeah.” She smiled.

“Then you asked if it was covered under Occupational Health and Safety.” I commented.

“In my defence, that was a valid question.”

I stared at her with a dead-pan expression.

“And a funny one.” She grinned.

I rolled my eyes.

…

“Hey,” smiled Ian when he came into the library, “Your back.”

I was so happy to see him that I hardly even noticed Jemma was with him. Her hand clutching Maggie’s as she practically dragged her into the library.

“Yeah, I was sick last month.” I explained.

“Nothing serious I hope?” he asked, sounding concerned.

“No, just a little cold. I’m all better now.” I smiled, not bothering to hide my delight at how concerned he was for me.

“Well that’s good.” He smiled.

“Ian, come on!” interrupted Jemma, “Hurry up and get your book. Maggie is fussing.” She snapped as she hauled the crying toddler off the ground.

“Alright.” Soothed Ian, he sent me an apologetic smile before the trio disappeared behind the shelves.

Even though I could no longer see them, I could still hear Maggie crying. But behind that crying I could hear whispers. Angry whispers and I wondered if the two of them were having an argument.

Such a thing should have made me happy, but it didn’t. Instead I worried not only about Ian but about Maggie as well, having to see her parents fight in front of her at such a young age.

Eventually Jemma appeared from behind the bookshelves carrying a crying Maggie. She didn’t even glance my way as her heeled shoes tapped against the floor as she marched right out the door.

I blinked in shock as she slammed the door behind her. Turning to James I made a face, he too had been watching her and looked similarly shocked.

“Well that was dramatic.” He commented.

I resisted the urge to laugh as Ian came out from behind the bookshelves and placed a book down on the counter.

The room was so silent; I swear I could hear myself blink. The beeping sound the computer made when I scanned his card and book into the computer seemed obnoxiously loud. Ian refused to look at me the whole time.

As I made to hand the book back to him I tried to catch his eye, so I could convey to him somehow that everything was ok. That he shouldn’t be embarrassed. That everyone fought, it was fine.

But he never looked up. Instead he grabbed the book and headed out the door in just as dramatic fashion as Jemma.

“Well,” began James when the door slammed behind him, “That was interesting.”

“Hmm.” Was my only response. I was worried about Ian. Was he ok? Whatever they had been arguing about, it had obviously upset him.

“Trouble in paradise.” He commented.

“We shouldn’t pry.” I told him as I forced myself to focus on the paperwork in front of me.

“What? I thought you’d be happy about the two of them fighting?” he asked.

I was, wasn’t I?

Not really. I thought I would be happy to see the two of them having problems because it gave me hope that something could once again happen between us if he were to break up with her.

But the problem was, I could see how much emotional distress Ian was in and how hurt he would be without Jemma.

It was a strange thing to admit, but I cared about his feelings and happiness more than my own. If it meant he was happy, I would be willing to sit quietly on the sidelines and love him from afar, I’d been doing it for nearly two years now. If that was what he wanted. As long as he was happy.

But then I had to ask myself, would he be happier with me?

…

“Happy two years.” I smiled.

Ian frowned as he looked up from attempting to wrangle Maggie off the floor, “Excuse me?”

“It’s your anniversary. You’ve been signed up with the library for two years.” I explained, gesturing to the computer that had an orange flashing pop-up box informing me of the fact.

“Two years, really?” he asked as he scooped Maggie off the floor.

“Yep. Two years.” I smiled.

 I could still remember the first time he walked into the library as if it was yesterday.

“Wow. It doesn’t seem like that long.” He commented as I handed his book back to him.

“Well, if you think about it, you only come in here once a month. That’s twenty-four visits. It’s not that much.” I reasoned, “I mean, you could be a real weirdo and be in here every day.” I winked.

He laughed, “You know, I actually know someone like that.” He said in a matter of fact tone.

“Have you told her to get a life?” I commented dryly.

“No. Truth is, I would spend most of my time in a library if I had the choice.” He said simply.

“Well,” I began as I grabbed a stack of books, “Not all of us can be so lucky.” I joked.

He laughed.

“Ma-ma. Ma….ma-ma.” Babbled Maggie.

“It’s ok baby, I’ll take you to your mothers after lunch.” Ian soothed as he walked towards the door.

Instead of going and putting the books away like I had been preparing to do, I instead stayed put, suddenly rooted to the spot as I watched him leave.

I wasn’t sure how long I stayed standing there until James suddenly jumped up onto the counter and laid down, striking a provocative pose, “You gonna draw me like one of your French girls Jack?” he asked, pouting his lips.

Broken out of my trance I rolled my eyes and headed towards the shelves. James quickly jumped down from the counter and followed me.

“You know, this situation reminds me of a song,” he stated.

“I imagine that happens quite a lot to you. Given how your mind works.” I commented as I began placing books back on their correct shelves.

“Not as often as you may think.” He told me seriously, “But I was thinking of a certain song by a certain songstress who, in my humble opinion, should be queen of the world,”

“Is anything about you humble?” I interjected but he ignored me.

“In the wise words of Miss Taylor Swift, ‘You Belong With Me’ is so you and Ian’s song.” He told me.

“Really?” I asked sarcastically.

Ian and I didn’t have a song. We weren’t a couple.

“Oh yes, because it goes,” he began clearing his throat before he started to sing, “She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts…”

“Please stop.”

“She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers…”

“We’re in a library.”

“Dreaming about the day, when you wake up and find… that what you’re looking for, has been here the whole time!” he sung loudly.

“James! Shh! Oh my god!” I hissed, looking around in embarrassment but he could not be discouraged as he began to theatrically throw his head back and forth.

“Can’t you see that I’m the one who understands you! Been here all along so why can’t you see…” he sung as he skidded along the hardwood floor on his knees, coming to a stop at my feet.

I looked down at him expectantly, waiting for him to finish the song.

“You belong with me…” he sung.

I rolled my eyes and tried to look annoyed, but failed miserably. Despite my conflicted feelings about Ian, James had succeeded in making me laugh.


	6. Chapter 6

The children’s section of the library that was filled with more than just picture books. It had brightly coloured, small seats perfect for children, a few stuffed animals and a few board games there. It was a place that was meant to entertain and delight but I had never seen someone look so miserable while sitting in the children’s section of the library.

Ian was sitting there, with Maggie in his lap, trying to teach her how to play connect four. She was a little young to get the concept of trying to get four tokens of the same colour in a row, but she seemed to like placing the coins in the slots of the top and watching them fall.

She was enjoying herself. But Ian was not.

I could see he was trying to hide it from his daughter, but he was obviously upset and I desperately wanted to know why. But more than that, I wanted to make him feel better. I wanted to see him smile again.

It seemed wrong that he should look so unhappy when his daughter, who he so obviously loved and adored was in his arms.

She squealed in delight when she found the button that caused all the coins to fall from the board onto the plate beneath it. Hearing his daughter’s delight, Ian cracked a crooked, bittersweet smile that did not reach his eyes.

I could see he was trying to be happy for the sake of his daughter but he was seriously upset about something and it showed.

The door to the library opened and I looked through the bookshelves to see Jemma strut through the library. Her high heels clicked against the floor as she looked around. I ducked behind the shelf so she wouldn’t see me.

Eventually she spotted Ian and Maggie over in the children’s corner and approached them, “Maggie. Let’s go home.” She demanded.

She didn’t even say hello.

Ian looked up at her, his eyes watery, “Can I just have one more minute with her?” he practically pleaded.

“No.” she snapped, “I have an appointment at three.”

“Da, da, Daddy.” Bumbled Maggie as he clung to her father.

The expression that came across Ian’s face was absolutely heart breaking and my heart went out to him.

But Jemma had no such reservations as she leaned down and practically pried her from his arms with caused Maggie to bawl.

Ian was left sitting there, practically blinking back tears as Jemma carried a screaming Maggie out the door. As soon as they left, I watched as Ian’s lip trembled before he covered his eyes with his hand for a moment.

I could see he was fighting back tears as he dabbed at his eyes and attempted to right himself as he sat there. It broke my heart to see him so upset. To see how much having his daughter taken away from him hurt him. It was both touching and sad.

Placing the last book away from my stack of put-backs, I resolved to do something about it. He was so sad that I doubted I could do anything to make him smile, but I at the very least wanted to distract him.

He didn’t see me approach as he was too busy trying to hide the tears that had fallen down his face. I announced my presence by taking a coin and dropped it into a slot, the clanging of it sounded around the library and seemed to startle him.

He looked at the game for a moment, seeming confused before he looked up at me.

His beautiful blue eyes were filled with tears that threatened to spill but despite that, he still tried to smile at me. A sad smile that didn’t touch his eyes and only lasted a second, but it was there none the less.

I smiled back briefly, a smile that was full of sympathy and that I hope conveyed some sort of understanding for what he was going through.

Turning back to the game he seemed to deliberate for a moment before he very slowly took a coin and dropped it down into a slot, effectively starting the game.

When he looked up at me again, my smile was genuine as I sat down, though he was looking at me with an unreadable expression.

We played the game in silence and with each move, a smile tugged at his lips, always threatening to break into a true smile, but it never did. But just that hint of happiness was enough for me. To know he was sad before and to know I was the reason he might be feeling just a little better.

…

Maggie was perhaps the most loveable child I had ever met. I held her against my hip as we walked around the library.

Every time she saw a ‘Please Be Quiet’ sign, she would put her finger to her lips and say “shh” just like the sign did. It was adorable.       

We ended up playing a game of hide a seek between the bookshelves with both Ian and Maggie hiding while I searched for them. When I found them, Maggie screamed in delight before she put her finger to her lips and made the “shh” sound again.

Eventually we sat down in the children’s section and I read to them from one of my favourite fantasy books ‘Into the Land of the Unicorns’ until I noticed that Maggie had fallen asleep in Ian’s lap.

I stopped reading and smiled at her, she looks so cute and peaceful.

“What?” asked Ian, obviously wondering why I had stopped.

“She’s asleep.” I whispered.

He looked down in surprise at his daughter resting peacefully against his chest, “We must have tuckered her out with hide and seek.” He summarized.

I smiled in response.

“Her mother will probably kill me for screwing up her sleep pattern.” He sighed, a dark look creeping into his eyes.

“She had fun.” I reminded him, quick to move off a subject that would cause his good mood to sour.

“Yeah.” He agreed, “That’s the main thing.”

He then turned to look at me with that same unreadable expression. I noticed more and more these days he was looking at me like that. As if I was a piece of art that he didn’t quite understand but still liked to look at anyway.

I didn’t know what to do when he looked at me like that so I simply smiled and said, “I should probably get back to work.”

“Alright.” He agreed, “I’ll let her sleep a bit longer while I look for a book.” He told me.

I nodded in understanding before I headed back over to the reception desk where James was waiting.

“Oh there you are!” he said as soon as he saw me, “I was being harassed by a pair of Kardashian wanna-be’s would couldn’t understand why a library doesn’t have magazines.”

“Dear god, that must have been horrible for you.” I commented dryly.

“Well it wasn’t as fun as what you were doing, playing happy families with Ian Harding.” He told me.

“I was hardly playing ‘happy families’, we were just hanging out.” I dismissed.

“Oh please,” he scoffed, “You looked like you were modelling for an adoption agency catalogue.”

I rolled my eyes and smiled at him just as Ian came over to the reception, Maggie was still asleep, her head resting against his shoulder as he placed a book on the counter top.

“Aw, they’re so adorable when they’re sleeping.” Commented James as I scanned in Ian’s book.

“It’s probably just because they’re quiet.” Replied Ian.

I smiled as I handed him back the book and he smiled back as he turned to leave, Maggie raised her little head and said, in a tired sleepy voice, “Bye Clara.”

“Aw,” cooed James.

I couldn’t help but smile at Maggie as I waved ‘goodbye’, she was just too adorable.

Watching them go, I turned to James who was smiling at me smugly, “What?” I asked.

“Happy families.” He grinned.

“Shut up.” I dismissed before I got back to work.

…

“You will never guess who I did a screen test with today!” said Barbara excitedly as she heaved herself up onto the counter as I making dinner.

“Who?” I asked with mild interest.

“Sam Hueghan.”

“Who?

“Sam Hueghan! Jamie from Outlander.” She reminded me.

“That’s the show about the time traveller and the Scottish people yeah?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

“They have like a lot of sex in that show.”

“So?”

“So? You’ve seen that guy naked! Wasn’t it weird meeting him and knowing what he looked like naked?” I asked pointedly.

“Honestly, I didn’t think about it.” She shrugged.

I shuddered as I stirred the pasta sauce I was making, “I could never do anything nude. I wouldn’t want so many people knowing what I looked like.”

“Hey, if I was a guy and had a body like his, I would never wear clothes.” She commented.

I laughed, “I’m sure a lot of women would thank you for that.”

“You can’t tell me you don’t think Sam Hueghan isn’t sexy?” she demanded.

“He was fine… I mean, I like his accent and everything.” I shrugged.

“Ah huh. But your more into nerdy guys who like books.” She guessed.

“Well, yeah.”

“And who have black hair.”

“Okay?”

“And blue-grey eyes.”

“Stop it!” I said, finally realizing what she was up to.

She grinned wickedly, “How is Mr. Harding?”

“He’s fine.” I said, refusing to meet her gaze.

“Don’t you mean ‘damn fine’?”

“You sound like James.”

“James, I love that boy. The three of us need to do coffee sometime.” She mused.

“By coffee you mean tea right?”

“Obviously. Tea is better.”

“And the Brits don’t know how to make a decent cup of coffee.” I added.

“That too.” She agreed as she jumped off the kitchen counter.

…

“One, two, three!” we chanted.

On the count of three, both Ian and myself, holding Maggie’s hands, lifted her off the ground and swung her through the air. She cried out in delight, kicking her little legs in excitement. I couldn’t help but smile as I saw the joy on her face as the three of us then went over to the children’s section to try and choose a picture book for Maggie.

“Oh my god, I loved this book growing up.” Said Ian as he pulled out a book from the shelf.

I turned and looked over his shoulder to read the title, “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt.’

“Yeah. I loved it as a kid.” He smiled.

“That’s adorable.” I commented.

“What was your favourite picture book as a kid?” he asked curiously.

“They don’t have it here because it’s an Australian book. But it was called ‘Possum Magic’.” I told him.

“And what was it about?”

“It was about this possum that became invisible and he had to eat different Australian foods to become visible again. Things like lamingtons and vegemite sandwiches.” I explained, “As a fat kid, it just really spoke to me.”

“You were a fat kid?” he asked, sounding chocked.

“Oh yeah.” I smiled, “I even went to fat camp.”

“Ok, what is fat camp? I heard about it, but I don’t even know what it is.” He said, sounding interested.

“It’s basically a camp for obese kids that shows them how to eat healthy and gets them doing fun activities outside for like exercise like rock climbing and horse riding. It was based on the premise that most fat kids sit inside and play video games all day, eating unhealthy things.” I explained.

“Is that what you did?”

“God no. I sat inside and read all day. Completely different.”

He laughed.

“Daddy! Hungry Caterpillar!” said Maggie as she pulled a book from the shelf and brought it over to her.

“We have this one at home baby,” he told her gently.

“Oh the Hungry Caterpillar. Yet another children’s book that spoke to me.” I joked wistfully.

“I’m sensing a theme here.” He commented.

I laughed and he seemed to smile at the sound.

The three of us went over to the reception so he could borrow a picture book for Maggie and a novel for himself.

Stepping behind the counter I scanned the books just as James came gliding through the door, practically bouncing with excitement.

“Big news!” he declared as he ran over to the reception.

“Your late.” I said dryly as I placed the books on the counter.

“Did you not hear me?” he demanded, “I have big news!”

“There are a stack of put backs you need to do.” I said pointedly.

“Let me try this again,” he began, seeming to get annoyed, “B-I-G N-E-W-S.” he spelled, chanting like a cheerleader, “Big News!” he cheered, throwing his hands up in the air.

I rolled my eyes, when James was excited there was no dissuading him.

Ian seemed to realize the same thing as he smiled, “Ok James, what’s your big news?” he asked.

“Friday, I’m in love!” he declared in a sing song voice.

I failed to get the reference, “What?”

He sighed dramatically in aggravation before he thrust his left hand forward, “I’m engaged!”

I blinked in shock before I smiled, James and Craig had been dating for a while and now they were engaged? That was just fantastic.

“James, that’s great.” Said Ian happily.

“Let me see the ring.” I smiled as James placed his hand in mine, on his ring finger was indeed a small silver band incrusted with a row of tiny diamonds around its circumference.

“Aw James, its beautiful.” I told him.

“I know.” He squeaked, “It was so romantic. We were out to dinner and then we went for a walk and he got down on one knee and-”

“And that’s my cue to leave.” Said Ian before he turned to me with a smile, “See you next month.” He told me.

“See you.” I smiled.

“Bye Clara.” Said Maggie.

“Bye Maggie.” I smiled.

James was still bouncing with excitement as he came around the counter to dump his bag and Ian walked out the door. He then proceeded to tell me how Craig had taken him to Paris and proposed to him by placing a padlock on the famous love bridge.

 “Wow, so when’s the wedding?” I asked.

“Next month.” He smiled, “I’ve always wanted a June wedding.”

I blinked in shock, “What?”

“My parents are coming over next month so its perfect timing.” He explained.

“Talk about a shot gun wedding.” I marvelled, “are you sure you’re not pregnant?”

“Ha. Ha.” He said sarcastically, “No, he’s been planning it for months. His parents are coming over from Wales at the same time mine are over. It will be great. We’re even going to do it at the registry office next door because, you know, we met here.” He said happily.

“That’s so cute.” I smiled, “I’m really happy for you.”

James eyed me for a moment suspiciously.

“What?” I asked innocently.

“Stop that.” He commented.

“Stop what?”

“Stop looking so happy. It’s freaking me out.”

I laughed.

“I’m the one who is engaged and you look happier than I do. It’s not right.” He said.

“Sorry.” I smiled as I focused on arranging the books that needed to be put back.

“I know what’s making you smile.” He revealed after a moment silence.

I turned to him expectantly.

“Ian.”

“What?”

“Ever since the two of you reconnected you’ve been nothing but smiles.”

“We haven’t reconnected. We’re just spending more time together. He’s been having a tough time lately with the separation and I’m just helping him out.” I dismissed.

“Uh huh. Sure.” He said knowingly, “Just be careful.”

“Careful of what?”

“That you’re not the rebound girl.”

“I’m not going to be the ‘anything’ girl. We’re just friends.” I assured him.

“For now.” Said James ominously, “I smell double wedding.”  

I shook my head as I handed him the pile of put backs, “You were late. So you get to do the put backs.” I declared.

“What? Oh come on!” he whined, “I’m being punished for not wanting to leave my fiancé the morning after we get engaged?”

“Yep.” I said popping the ‘p’ sound, “I should think you want to come to work all the more, seeing as you have a wedding to pay for.” I said pointedly.

“Holy shit, I completely forgot about that.” He said, his face going blank with shock.

“Uh huh. Go put the books away.” I told him.

He grumbled unhappily as he walked away but I still couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.

…

Sometimes I doubted the existence of my ovaries.

My all laws of nature, being in possession of a pair of ovaries meant two things; you loved the movie The Notebook and you liked shopping.

I had never seen The Notebook, so that was moot point.

But right now I was supposed to be shopping for a dress to wear to James’s wedding and I was hating every minute of it.

Half the dresses I thought looked good, only looked that way because of the model.

The other half of the dresses I couldn’t ever see myself wearing.

But finding a dress that’s design I actually liked was hard enough, I didn’t like anything too tightly fitted or too baggy, nor anything that was too short. I didn’t like high necked dresses because they always made me itch, nor did I like halter neck dresses because I couldn’t wear a bra with them and I needed to wear a bra. Anything with ruffles or a plunging neckline was out of the question.

There was then the problem of colouring, with eyes as blue as mine and hair that was practically platinum blonde, there were a lot of colours I just couldn’t wear. Any pale colours made me look washed out with my complexion. Bright colours like yellow or pink made me look sick. Black was always a safe option, but I heard it was bad taste to wear black to a wedding.

So that left a very small percentage of dresses that I actually liked.

But then I had the problem of not only price because I would absolutely not be paying a ludicrous amount of money for a dress I would wear once. Even the thought of paying the shipping fee filled me with loathing, but that was only a small problem compared to the other challenge I faced, which was size.

For some reason dress makers tended to think that if you were skinny, you were also short. But if you were tall, you were also fat. There was no way you could be tall and skinny like I was.

On the miniscule chance, I found a dress I liked I either didn’t want to pay the price that was asked, or they did not have the dress in my size.

Not only was the whole exercise endlessly frustrating but it was beginning to make me question my sanity in how much I was beginning to hate the very idea of shopping.

When Ian walked through the door, with Maggie clutching his hand, I was almost relieved to have an excuse to turn away from the computer and greet them.

“Hello you two.” I smiled.

“Hi Clara.” Smiled Maggie.

“Do you want to give Clara your book?” asked Ian.

Nodding enthusiastically, she held out the picture book she had borrowed last month to me, reaching up on the tips of her toes so the tip of the book brushed the edge of the counter.

“Thank you.” I said as I took the book from here, “Did you like it?”

“Yeah!” she said happily.

“Did you tell Clara what book we found in the book shop the other day?” prompted Ian.

“What book?” I asked.

“Possum Magic!” smiled Maggie.

“Wow! Really?” I smiled.

She nodded happily, “The possum ate lots of food.”

“He did indeed.”

“She’s been telling me all month she wants to eat a vegemite sandwich.” Said Ian sighing in a way that made me feel as if the two of us were sharing some private joke.

I laughed in delight.

“Ian,” greeted James as he swung around in the desk chair, “What do you think of my new glasses? How do they look? What do they say?” he asked putting his hand up to the thick black rimmed glasses he was wearing.

“I think they’re very hipster.” He told him.

I chuckled as I scanned in his books.

“I’ll have you know my fiancé loves them.” Said James seriously.

I rolled my eyes, James was using any excuse he could to rub his new-found material status in everyone’s faces.

“You should come,” said James, “We’re having a June wedding in Hyde Park because the weather will just be beautiful.”

“I’ll see if I can make it.” He smiled before he took Maggie’s hand and they made their way over to the books.

Now I really needed to find a dress to wear to the wedding.

 


	7. Chapter 7

On the fifth of June, fifty people squeezed into the registration office upstairs from the Library where I worked to see James and Craig get married.

I ended up wearing a pale pink dress that fell just below my knees. It had a ‘v’ shaped neck and loose sleeves that fell just above my elbow. It had a dotted pattern around the sleeves and neckline before the skirt turned into a lace pattern. I paired it with some strappy white heels. The whole ensemble was purchased from ASOS.

My hair was being utterly impossible so I left it out and because of the colour of the dress, I decided to keep my make-up light and simple.

I stood up the front of the hall with Barbara, who was acting as my date and James’s roommate Mia, who had taken a girl named Chess, from her work, as her date. We all made jokes about the fact that we were all single and had taken our friends as dates for a wedding as we waited for the grooms to arrive.

Even though I wasn’t looking for him, I spotted Ian immediately, standing at the back of the hall looking extremely handsome in dark pants and a white, button down shirt. I took advantage of the fact that he hadn’t seen me yet and stared at him with open adoration.

Unfortunately, Barbara noticed my preoccupation and had to comment, “Oh, so that’s him is it?”

“Who?” I asked, tearing my eyes away from him reluctantly.

“Ian Harding. Mr. Ezra Fitz himself. Your prince charming.” She smiled.

I couldn’t help but blush.

“Who are we talking about?” asked Chess curiously.

“Ian Harding. He’s been coming into the library for years and Clara has a crush on him.” Said Barbara in a slightly smug tone.

“I do not.” I defended.

“I can see why. He’s gorgeous!” hissed Chess.

“As a rule, I tend not to date celebrities.” Said Mia simply.

I smiled in amusement. She had to be joking right? Who on earth would turn down a guy like Ian just because he was a celebrity? Most people would think that the celebrity status made a person more attractive. Not me though. Or at least, not with Ian.

What had started as a simple celebrity crush had turned into something more when I got to know him.  

“I don’t have that rule.” Scoffed Chess as she craned her neck to get a better look at Ian.

“You should totally make a move on him at the reception.” Said Barbara.

“What? Why?” I asked, frowning in confusion. I had not ‘made a move’ on Ian for the last two and a half years. What made she think I was going to do so now?

“Because we’re at a wedding! Love is in the air. Weddings are like catnip for single people. We see all the love and we want that. Makes us more susceptible for romantic propositions.”  She explained.

“She’s got a point there.” Said Mia, “I once hooked up with a guy at a wedding. So not my type. But there was something about the wedding and seeing the bride and groom so in love that I was just like ‘hey, why not?’”

“You were also trying to get over your ex-boyfriend.” Said Chess pointedly.

“Bite me.” Replied Mia.

“See?” encouraged Barbara, “Tonight’s the night. I say you go for it.”

But before I had a chance to reply, the music started and I recognized the opening chords of ‘All I Ask of You’ from the Phantom of the Opera musical. I wasn’t big on musicals but Barbara was and she was the only reason I recognised the song.

Craig stepped into the hall, wearing an all-black suit with a white bow-tie, his arm threaded through that of a pudgy looking man who I took to be his father.

Right behind him was James, wearing an all-white suite with a black bow-tie, a smile so big it seemed to barely fit on his face, as his father walked him down the aisle.

As the two of them stood in front of the celebrant, declaring their love for each other before they placed rings on each other’s fingers, I began to realize that Mia was right; love was in the air and it was contagious.

I wanted so desperately for a guy to look at me the way Craig looked at James. And I wanted that guy to be Ian. I wanted to look at him the way James looked at Craig and know that the love I felt was returned.

I knew right then that it was love. What James and Craig described that they felt for one another was exactly how I felt about Ian.

But did I really have the courage to make a move on him tonight? To tell him how I felt?

I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I almost missed the best part of the whole wedding.

“I know pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss your husband.” Said the celebrant.

At that, James threw his arms around Craig’s neck and kissed him both passionately and theatrically, throwing his foot up in the air for effect that made everyone laugh as we all clapped and cheered before everyone made their way across the hall to the reception room, which was typically a meeting room.

There were tea and coffee facilities and an array of biscuits, complete with a wedding cake that had two little grooms on top of it.

Instead of throwing bouquets and garters, the boys threw their bow-ties. I caught one, being the tallest girl there and a friend of Craig’s caught the other.

I watched as the boys cut the cake and then proceeded to smash it into one another’s faces. Then as the cake was being cut into slices for the guests, Craig and James took to the little improvised dance floor and shared their first dance as a married couple to the song ‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight’ from the Lion King. Even I knew that song.

There were several points throughout the night that I contemplated going over to talk to Ian, but every time I did, I would take one look at how handsome he was and loose all my self-confidence.  On the off chance that I did work up the nerve to go and talk to him, he was nearly always talking to someone else and most of them were girls. Not Barbara, Mia or Chess, who knew how I felt about Ian, but other girls who were all far more attractive than me and obviously flirting with Ian.

I was just digging into my cake with a little plastic spoon, trying to think of a way to casually approach Ian when he took the decision out of my hands and approached me.

“Lovely ceremony.” Said a familiar voice.

The spoon froze halfway between my mouth and the bowl in my hand and I turned to see Ian standing next to me, his hands clasped behind his back as he stared at me with an amused smile.

If I had thought he looked handsome from afar, that was nothing compared to how he looked up close. His freshly shaven cheeks gleamed under the lights, high lighting the dimple in his chin. His hair was slicked back and styled, giving me a perfect, uninterrupted view of his blue-grey eyes.

And worst of all, he was wearing an aftershave that smelled absolutely amazing.

Realizing I was staring, I tried to school my features into something that resembled a normal human expression and attempted to speak, “Yes. Very lovely.”

“Saw you caught the bow-tie.” He said, gesturing to the accessory I had tied around my wrist, “Nice catch.” He commented.

“Well, being this tall has to be good for something.” I shrugged, “Snatching things out of the air…”

“Reaching the top shelf.” He supplied.

“Blocking peoples views in movie theatres.” I added.

“And best of all, being able to go on all the rides.” He smiled.

I threw my head back and laughed in amusement.

“How’s the cake?” he asked after a moment.

“Delicious.” I told him as I spooned a mouthful into my mouth, it was red velvet with cream cheese icing, my favourite, “You want some?” I asked through a mouthful of cake.

It only occurred to me after I was done speaking how disgusting I must have looked, speaking with a mouth full of food. But I couldn’t help it. Whenever I was with Ian, all my defences were down and I acted just a little too naturally, I was so comfortable with him.

“Sure.” He smiled.

Slicing off a section with my spoon, I made to hand him the bowl but instead he leaned forward and wrapped his lips around the spoon I was still holding. I watched the way his perfect lips closed around the mouthful of food and I found myself wondering what it would be like to kiss him…

But movement from behind his shoulder made me tear my eyes away from his lips to see James, giving me a massive thumbs up before making kissing faces.

My eyes widened as I pleaded for him, with my eyes, to stop what he was doing encase Ian saw, but he straightened up and cut him from my view and I schooled my features back into a pleasant smile.

“It’s good.” He said.

I nodded, “It’s good for an imitation of red velvet.”

“An imitation?” he asked.

“Real red velvet has beetroot juice in it. That’s how it gets its colour.” I explained.

“Why on earth do you know that?” he asked.

“I bake a lot.” I shrugged as I turned my attention back to the cake, but I suddenly had no appetite for it. Ian was standing so close to me I could hardly think straight.

“Is that what you do in your spare time? Bake?” he asked curiously.

“Sometimes. Other times I read.” I replied.

“You don’t get enough of books at your job?” he smiled.

“Never.” I smiled.

He laughed and I felt my insides warm at the sound as I stabbed at my piece of cake just to hide the goofy smile I knew was on my face.

“So what’s your favourite?” he asked suddenly.

I frowned as I turned to look at him, “What?”

“What’s your favourite book?”

“Oh god, that’s too hard a question.”

“How is that a hard question?”

“It just is!” I told him seriously, “How would you feel if I asked you to tell me who your favourite child was?”

“That’s easy. Its Maggie. She’s the only one I’ve got.” He said immediately.

He had me there.

“Yeah but imagine if you had hundreds of Maggie’s, how would you choose your favourite?” I argued.

“Are they all carbon copies of Maggie? Or would they be different? Because if we’re comparing children to books, they would all have to be different.” He said.

“Fine, they are all different. They are all different facets of Maggie’s personality. Which one do you choose?” I asked.

“Excited Maggie.” He said.

“Why?”

“Because I will never forget the way she looked on her birthday, seeing all these presents for her. She looked so excited that she just kept breathing in and forgot to breathe out. She actually passed out.” He told me.

“Oh my god, that’s horrible!” I said, feeling vaguely horrified.

“No it wasn’t. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen.” He said simply, “When was the last time you got so excited about something that you forgot how to breathe?”

“Um…” I said thoughtfully, I couldn’t quite remember a time when I had ever been that excited, even as a kid.

“Now associate that feeling with a book and tell me which one it is.” He said.

“Ok, got it.” I said, picturing the book clearly in my mind.

“Right, now show me that book.” He said seriously.

I blinked in shock, show him the book? When? He didn’t mean now did he? We were in the middle of a reception.

“Right now?” I asked in disbelief.

“Right now.” He replied.

There was something about the way he said it that sounded like a challenge to me. As if he didn’t believe that I would get up and show him my favourite book. What he may have guessed about me was that the moment people told me, or even implied, that I wasn’t capable or wouldn’t do something, I immediately did it.

Setting my bowl of cake down, I squared my shoulders and held my head high as I walked out the door with him trailing along, seeming quite smug, behind me.

Heading down stairs, my heels clanking as I descended the steps, I walked down the hallway, not bothering to check if he was following me, to the library and opened the door. The moment I entered the library I was filled with an instant confidence that came from being in a place that I was so comfortable in and knew so well.

Not even bothering to look at the numbers of the dewy decimal system or find the correct letter for the authors last name, I came to the shelf where I knew the book was and stretched up on the tips of my toes, grabbing it from the top shelf.

Without a word, I spun around, finding him a little closer than I originally thought he was, I presented him with my favourite book.

“Alice in Wonderland.” He read as he looked down at the book.

I nodded, “Have you read it before?” I asked.

“No actually. Seen the movie.” He said before he looked up at me, seeing my expression he smiled knowingly, “Yes, books are better than the movie. I get it.”

I smiled, liking the fact that he knew me so well, “Well take that one. Have a read of it and let me know what you think.” I smiled.

He looked down at the book, seeming hesitant, “I probably shouldn’t. I’m pretty busy these days. I won’t get time to read it.”

“Hey, I’m in charge here.” I began, trying to sound bossy, “I’ll just give it to you.”

He smiled as he made to take the book from me, but I pulled it away playfully.

“Actually, I’m just going to lend it to you.” I qualified.

“Why?” he asked curiously.

“That way he have to return it to me. And you can tell me in person what you thought of it.” I told him seriously before I offered him the book.

He smiled a surprisingly sad smile that didn’t reach his eyes as he took the book from my hands and leaned his back against the bookshelf. I leaned my shoulder into the shelf, mimicking his position as I watched him stare down at the book in his hands. He seemed to be deep in thought and I had no desire to break him out of his revere.

“You know,” he began as he turned his head to look at me, his blue-grey eyes meeting mine.

He was so close now that I felt my breath catch in my throat.

“Even if I didn’t want to borrow anymore books, I’d still find a reason to come and see you.” He said softly.

A bubble of excited happiness swelled inside of me. I couldn’t remember how long I had been dreaming he’d say something like that to me. But hearing the words actually fall from their mouth and believing they were true was far better than anything my feeble imagination could conjure up. I was so happy that a smile stretched itself out onto my face before I could stop it.

Seeing me smile, he smiled back in response. Though there was something incredibly sad about the way that he smiled, it was as if he was looking back on his life and seeing everything he regretted as he stared at me…

But before I could ponder the strange look that came onto his face, he shifted his body weight and his eyes flickered down to my lips.

I knew what was going to happen, but it still surprised me when he edged his face closer to mine, so slowly it was practically torturous. I could feel his warm breath on my face and I knew he was taking his time to give me plenty of opportunity to move away but I didn’t.

My heart was beating so hard I thought it might jump out of my chest, my whole body tingled with excitement and anticipation. I waited until he closed his eyes before I closed mine and he softly pressed his lips to mine.

It was everything I wanted a kiss from him to be like; soft, chaste and unbearably sweet.

I felt his hand come up to cup the side of my face tenderly and I parted my lips, hoping to deepen the kiss when suddenly the door to the library was pushed open and an eruption of voices sounded, the most loud of which being a very drunk James.

The two of us pulled away from one another as if we had been electrocuted and I turned to see James leading his parents, Craig’s parents and Craig through the library.

“And here is where it all happened!” he declared, “Right here!” he said as he pointed to a spot over by the bookcases, “That is where we first met.”

Unsure of what else to do, or if they had even spotted us yet, I stood absolutely frozen. Ian seemed at a similar loss at what to do as he stared at James as well.

It was then that James seemed to notice us and he stopped his impromptu tour, “Oh, hello you two. What are you doing down here?” he asked happily.

Ian opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. I could already see a blush creeping up his neck and the tips of his ears were already red.

“Just borrowing a book.” I lied smoothly.

James’s eyes narrowed suspiciously as he glared at me.

“Come on!” giggled Craig as he tugged on James’s hand, “Lets show them the book you tried to recommend me.”

James allowed himself to be tugged away, but his eyes stayed on me until he was out of sight and his group followed after him.

I turned to Ian, whose complexion now resembled that of a tomato and I couldn’t help the embarrassed, yet still deliriously happy, giggle that escaped my mouth.

I had just been caught making out with Ian Harding in a library. Something about just how unlikely that sentence sounded made me giggle. I wasn’t embarrassed, it was a little awkward, sure, but I had caught James doing far worse in this library. It didn’t bother me that he might have seen us, it did however bother me that he had interrupted us.

Knowing the romantic mood between us had been spoiled and that Ian was very thoroughly embarrassed, I decided to take control of the situation to make him feel better, I myself was just so happy, “Come on. I’ll scan the book out for you.”

He nodded his head, I wasn’t quite sure if he could speak in that moment.

My heels clacked along the wooden floor as I walked behind the reception desk. Out of laziness, James and myself never turned off the computers because they were so old it took them forever to reboot when we did. Instead we just let them go into hibernation, so it only took a simple wiggle of the mouse to get them firing back up again.

We didn’t speak a word to each other as I scanned the book in, the silence was broken by the sound of giggles and chattering from James’s tour.

I watched Ian from the corner of my eye as I typed his name into the computer. I could feel him watching every move I made. Despite how awkward things had been before, this was familiar territory for the two of us; him borrowing a book and me scanning it in. We had done this dozens of times but for some reason, it suddenly felt new and exciting.

Placing the book on the counter for him, I smiled.

He smiled back as he took the book, “I’ll try and finish it quickly.” He said.

Though it was a generic enough statement, given what he had previously said to me, I knew it meant that he was going to try and read it quickly so he could come back and see me so much sooner.

My smile, if it was possible, got even bigger as he headed off towards the door.

Just before he stepped outside, he looked over his shoulder at me, once again that strangely sad smile adorned his features and I couldn’t place why, but I had the sudden urge to stop him from leaving. To demand to know what was making him smile so sadly and what I could possibly do to help.

But before I could do anything, he disappeared out the door and I was left staring after him wistfully.

…

“What do you mean you just kissed?” demanded Barbara as we shared an uber home.

“I mean we kissed and it was beautiful.” I smiled.

“But there was no admission of feelings? No setting a date? No exchanging of numbers? Nothing?!” she asked incredulously.

I shook my head.

“But he said he comes in for you not the books. That sort of like telling you how he feels I guess…” she trailed off.

I simply smiled, too deliriously happy to do anything else. 

“Well that just plain sucks.” She pouted.

But it didn’t. Not really.

I was happy with how the night had turned out. Even if she wasn’t.

“But you didn’t tell him how you felt did you?” she asked.

“No.”

“That’s a problem.”

“Why?”

“Well, what if he thinks you don’t like him and he’s too cowardly to face you ever again because he thinks you’ve friend zoned him?” she asked.

My face fell, “No. He wouldn’t think that…” I said, though I wasn’t so certain.

She raised an interesting point. Ian had said how he felt about me, but I had never said or done anything to indicate to him how I felt about him. I thought I had always been so obvious in my affection for him. Surely he knew, didn’t he?

Would that be a problem later on?

I’d have to wait until he returned the book to find out.

…

A month later, James was on his honeymoon and Ian was officially two weeks late in delivering back the book.

The computer had even sent him an automatic ‘overdue’ email. But he still hadn’t showed.

Was Barbara right? Was he avoiding me now because he thought I didn’t feel the same way about him?

I drove myself crazy thinking about it. Finally I caved and called James, who was all the way in Queensland, Australia, to talk about it.

“Aloha,” he answered happily.

“You’re in Queensland, not Hawaii.” I told him immediately.

“If you’re here to harsh my buzz, I’m going to hang up this phone right now.” He said in a sing song voice.

“No, don’t hang up!” I said immediately, a panic fluttering through me.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

“It’s Ian. He’s totally disappeared on me. It’s been over a month. Why do you think he hasn’t been by?” I asked.

“He’s probably busy with work.” He soothed, “Have you tried calling him?”

“I don’t have his number.” I grumbled.

“Urgh,” he groaned, “You guys are taking the whole ‘hard to get’ thing to a whole new level.” He commented.

I sighed deeply, he had a point.

“How many years have you been doing this now? Next time, I will ask him for his number for you.” He said pointedly.

“No, don’t do that.” I sighed before my voice suddenly grew firm, “I’ve decided next time he comes in I’m going to tell him how I feel.”

“Good for you!”

Yes, it was going to be good for me. If Ian ever decided to show up at the library again.

…

It was almost exactly two months since I had seen Ian last and I was getting extremely worried. Why hadn’t he come by?

If he was avoiding me, that was understandable if he thought that I didn’t feel the same way about him or even worse he regretted kissing me and thought it was a mistake.

But it wasn’t like him to borrow a book and not return it. If he was worried about seeing me, he could just put it in the after hours slot. At least then I would know if he was avoiding me or not.

The not knowing and the waiting around was absolutely killing me.

“Stop watching the door woman! My god.” Said James one day as we sat at the reception desk.

I had taken to leaning against the counter top and watching the door, as if by watching it so intently I could somehow make Ian appear. My heart leapt into my throat every time the door opened, only to have it crushed when it turned out to be just another patron and not him.

“I can’t help it.” I sighed as I tore my eyes away from the door to look at him, “Its been ages. Why hasn’t he come by?”

“I can literally compose a list of reasons. Do you want to hear them?” he asked pointedly.

“No.” I grumbled as I went back to looking at the door.

He proceeded to list them anyway; “He could have had a family emergency back in America. He could have gotten a new acting job and is busy learning his lines. He could have been struck by lightning…”

His reasons were not making me feel better and I continued to stare at the door.

“Maggie could be sick and he’s looking after her. He could have won the lottery. He could have broken both his legs…”

The door to the library opened and I straightened up as my stomach clenched and my heart leapt into my throat as a man stepped through the door and…

It wasn’t Ian but some older, stuffy looking gentleman wearing a suit.

I audibly groaned and turned to look at James who was still chattering away, “He could have gotten a really bad haircut and doesn’t want to show people…”

I shook my head. None of the reasons he was listing seemed plausible or good enough reasons for him to have not come into the library to see me.

“Excuse me, I’m looking for Clara? She apparently works here.” Interrupted a voice from behind me.

I turned around to see the stuffy looking man from before was standing on the other side of the counter.

“That would be me.” I said, my smile not entirely genuine.

“I’m here to return this book and give you this.” He said as he placed a book on the counter and a small torch.

At first my eyes were drawn to the small torch, it was the size of a black marker and I could see had a little button to press to turn it on, but why on earth would someone give me a torch? Especially one that had a blue light?

But then I saw the book. One that I recognized instantly; Alice in Wonderland.

I turned to look at the man again in confusion, forgetting all my politeness and customer service training, I asked the question that had been on my mind for the past two months, “Where’s Ian?”

The man looked uncomfortable for a moment before he sighed, “I’m sorry to be the one to tell you but, Ian died last week.”

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

Barbara came in and set another cup of tea down on my bedside table. It was the fourth one today.

“Hey babe, its nearly dinner time. Do you want me to make you something to eat?” she asked gently.

I shook my head, I wasn’t hungry.

It didn’t surprise me that I had been in bed all day, the hours had dragged by with such an achingly slow pace that I felt as if I had been lying in bed for weeks instead of a measly twenty-four hours.

Ian’s lawyer had explained that Ian had lung cancer and had passed away last week and that he had been put in charge of handling his affairs. He had explicably asked his lawyer to return the book to the library and leave me, a girl he only identified as ‘Clara, who works at the library’, a blue light torch.

I’d been too shocked to press the lawyer for more information. I felt strangely unreal, as if I couldn’t quite believe what was happening. I didn’t cry. I didn’t do anything, I just stood there, feeling numb as I tried to rationalize what had happened.

My brain was working too slow. Ian was dead. How could that be?

I was so absorbed with trying to make sense of that statement that I didn’t notice that James called Barbara. I barely noticed when Barbara wrapped her arms around me and took me home. I was vaguely aware that once we were home, things started to feel a little more real and I immediately started to cry.

Once I started, I couldn’t stop and Barbara held me the entire time.

I’d never cried so much in my life. Ian was gone. How could he possibly be gone? How could I possibly come to term with the fact that I would never see him again when I had seen him every month for nearly the past three years?

Eventually I went into my bedroom and cried myself to sleep. But when I woke up in the morning, my first thought was of Ian. I momentarily forgot about last night and I wondered if today would be the day I would see him again after his long absence from the library…

Then I remember what had happened and the crushing weight of knowing I would never see him again hit me all over again.

I didn’t have the strength to get out of bed. Even though I was supposed to be going to work, I just couldn’t muster the thought of going there, a place that had been the source of my interactions with Ian.

Throughout the day, I thought about a lot of things.

If Ian had died from lung cancer, he obviously knew he was going to die. So why didn’t he tell me?

He probably knew the last time he saw me was going to be the last time. Why didn’t he say goodbye? Why didn’t he give me the chance to say goodbye?

Part of me hated him for that. I hated that he had been so selfish to deny my closure. But then I felt guilty for hating him. And I didn’t hate him, not really. I loved him. I had loved him and now he would never know just how much. 

But mostly I thought about what might have been. If I hadn’t been so shy and had asked him out the first time we’d met, what would our relationship have been like? Or even later, when he had broken up with Jemma and we were playing with Maggie; I could have easily asked him out then, why didn’t I? Was I seriously so afraid that he would have said no?

Such a fear seemed stupid now.

I kept playing it over and over in my mind about what might have been all day.

“James came by,” said Barbara, “He left you these.”

I lifted my head to see her place the Alice in Wonderland book and the small blue torch on my bedside table next to the cup of tea. I didn’t say anything as I stared at them; the last items he had left me.

“I’ll be in the lounge room if you need me.” Said Barbara quietly before she walked out of my bedroom, shutting the door behind her softly.

Barbara was so lovely. I knew she was staying home from work to take care of me. I couldn’t even insist that I was fine and that she didn’t need to because the truth was, I did need looking after. Even though her gestures were so simple as holding me when I cried and constantly offering me cups of tea, the were warm and they were welcome.

I was pretty sure in Barbara’s mind there was no situation on earth that could not be made slightly better with a cup of tea. I didn’t share her philosophy, but I appreciated the gesture

At some point in the night, I reached over and grabbed the little torch Ian had left me, staring at it curiously as I held it in my hands; why would he leave me this? What did it represent? What did it mean?

Curiously I pressed the button, causing the blue light to shine over at my wall. For such a small torch, it cast quite a large blue hue on the wall.

If there was something more frustrating than trying to figure out why Ian hadn’t told me he had cancer, it was trying to figure out why he had left me a blue light torch.

I hadn’t bothered to turn any lights on as night time crept in and I lay in darkness. I took to switching the torch on and off, pointing it at different objects in my room, as if hoping that Ian would spring out of the darkness and deliver the answers I so desperately needed.

The blue light illuminated my wardrobe, my chest of draws, my bookcase, my desk, my door, my bedside table, my lap, my tea cup, the Alice in Wonderland book…

There was something strange on the Alice in Wonderland book when it was illuminated. It looked as if someone had spilled white paint on the corner of it. Sitting up, I switched on the lamp by my bed and peered at the book; it looked perfectly fine. There was no paint or damage of any kind.

But I was positive of what I had seen. Experimentally, I turned off my lamp and pointed the blue torch at the book, once again the corner of it lit up, as if it had been dipped in white paint.

Curiously I opened the book and began to flip through the pages; all of them had a little white mark in the corner of the page, almost like an ink spill that could only be seen under the light of the blue torch. Every page until the last page, the one that most books left blank; it was not an ink spill but a letter there.

Opening the book, I switched the lamp on to look at the last page… but there was nothing written there. It was as blank as the last page in every book. So I switched the lamp off and shone the blue forced over it and suddenly the page was glowing with big white letters. It was a message. A secret message, for me.

‘Dear Clara,

This is probably the last message I will ever write to you.

Thank you so much for everything.

I’m sorry I didn’t come say goodbye in person. Everything just happened so fast and I didn’t want to worry you.

But I did want to tell you that despite the fact that we spoke very little, I could always hear your thoughts. I hope you heard mine too.

Thanks for recommending the last good book of my life.

I’m going to miss you.

Love Ian.’

I stared at the back of the book in shock as a fresh wave of tears overwhelmed me. I sobbed so hard that Barbara came in to check what was wrong. I couldn’t even manage to explain what I had just found; I was such a blubbering mess. She held me once again as I cried.

Once I had stopped sobbing, I told her what had happened.

“What do the other messages say?” she asked immediately.

I sniffed and turned to look at her in confusion, “Other messages?”

“He said that was the last message he would write to you. That obviously means he’d written before. What do the other ones say?”

I blinked in shock, “Oh my god.”

Throwing back the blankets I scrambled out of bed in a rush.

“Wait, where are you going?” asked Barbara in a panic.

“To the library!” I exclaimed, “I have to see the other messages he left me.”

“Clara, its ten o’clock at night! You can’t just go to the library-” she began.

“I have to know Barbara!” I said firmly, “he was speaking to me all this time and I never heard him.”

She sighed, seeming uncomfortable. I could tell she didn’t want me to go, but she also didn’t want to argue with my logic.

“Do you want me to go with you?” she asked.

I shook my head; this was something I had to do alone. Barbara had seen me cry enough over the past twenty-four hours.

Grabbing my set of keys that I used to open up the library in the morning, I rushed out the door.

I was in such a hurry that I couldn’t wait for an uber, which at this time of night was going to be a whole ten minutes away. Instead I grabbed out my bike and peddled as fast as I could to the library.

My legs screamed in protest at being forced to work so hard after lying in bed for so long, but I didn’t listen to them. My heart was beating so hard, it threatened to break right out of my chest. I didn’t even bother to lock up my bike when I arrived at the library, I was so intent on getting inside.

It vaguely occurred to me that I was technically breaking the law and abusing my power as a librarian to open the library up after it was closed, but I didn’t care. 

Fumbling with the keys, I opened the door, tapped the code into the alarm on the wall, I flicked on the light before I ran over to the computer desk.

Wiggling the mouse, I was so anxious that I had to type in my password three times before it would accept it. I then searched Ian’s name and brought up his rental history; I saw each and every book he had ever borrowed that could have a potential message for me.

Taking a picture of the screen I ran around the library finding the books that he had borrowed. When there were multiple copies, I shined the blue light on them and looked for the white ink stains. Soon I had too many books to carry, so I left them on the counter as I continued to run around the library, finding book after book.

Eventually I had all thirty books, two years and six months worth of borrow books from our library that Ian had read. I started with the most recent:  

June 2019; So great that James is getting married. I’ll only be going of hopes of seeing you in a pretty dress again.

 

May 2019: You were smiling a lot today. I’ve always wanted to tell you that you look so beautiful when you smile.

April 2019: My daughter loves you. She talks about you all the time. If you ever leave your job I’m going to hire you as my nanny.

 

I remembered playing with his daughter and how happy she had always been and how he would look at the two of us playing with a kind of satisfied smile….

 

March 2019: Thank you for playing connect four with me today, though I have to admit, my daughter plays better than you. I got some tough news today and you made me smile.

 

Tough news, did he mean he had found out he had cancer? Had he known for that long?

 

January 2019: I can’t believe its been two years since I started coming to the library. Since I started writing you these notes. Time really does fly.

November 2018: I’m getting a divorce. I keep thinking I should feel sad but I don’t, I’m relieved. We were never that good together anyway, the best thing that came out of our marriage was Maggie. I wanted to tell you because I knew you’d understand.

September 2018: You weren’t here today, James said you were sick; I hope you’re ok. It disappointed me far more than it should have that I didn’t get to see your smiling face; I look forward to it every month. I’ll just have to finish this book quicker so I can see your face again.

 

I remembered so many months ago when I had been sick and James said he had asked about me…

 

July 2018: You wore a dress today that took my breath away. You looked so beautiful, I think even my wife saw I couldn’t take my eyes off you. You should wear dresses more often; they suit you.

 

I remembered the sun dress I wore on the day he came in to return his book. I remember the way he looked at me. I’d dismissed it at the time as just my imagination but I now knew that he was looking at me because he thought I was beautiful.

 

May 2018: I proposed to Jemma. It was the right thing to do. I don’t know why but when I did, I thought of you.

March 2018: I don’t know why I still write these notes to you. I guess I like talking to you this way. One day I hope I have the courage to say all this to your face, but right now, this is all I can manage.

 

I anxiously read note after note and it was as if I was having one last conversation with him…

 

January 2018: One year. One whole year since I started borrowing books from your library. That is twelve times I’ve seen your face and each time I do, I find something new I like about you; today it was the way that even though you’re so tall, you still stretch up on the tips of your toes to put a book back instead of grabbing a step ladder.

October 2017: My little girl was born today. I’ve never loved anyone so instantly as I loved her. I can’t wait for you to meet her.

 

I remembered when he came into the library for the first time cradling his little girl. How proud he looked to be the one holding her. How he held her with such a gentle touch, as if he was afraid she might break…

 

July 2017: She’s pregnant. We just met and she’s pregnant. I know I have to do the right thing and be there for her and the child, but she’s not who I want to spend the rest of my life with, I don’t love her. But I know I will love our baby and that is what matters.

June 2017: This is without a doubt the most stupid book I have ever read. How is this a love story? I can’t really see myself having a future with this girl if she is going to recommend books like this.

 

I remembered him bringing Jemma into the library and her recommending that he read Twilight…

 

May 2017: I noticed you were sad today. I wanted to ask if you were ok? I hope it’s not your fiancé getting you down, you deserve so much better than a guy who makes you look so sad.

 

I remembered the day he had come in. I’d just taken my ring off after Alex had hurt me. I must have looked as miserable as I felt...

 

April 2017: Of course you have a fiancé. A girl as great as you couldn’t possibly be single. That’s ok. I’ll keep talking to you here, it can be our secret.

 

I remembered the day he had seen my ring…

 

March 2017: Thank you for your book recommendation. It was a really interesting read and I really enjoyed it. It made me like you a whole lot more knowing you have such good taste in books. It’s an attractive and rare quality.

 

I remembered the day I had recommend he read ‘Tomorrow When the War Began’ and how closely he followed me as I showed him over to the books…

 

February 2017: You didn’t call. That’s ok. I’ll just keep coming to borrow books so I can see you. Maybe one day I’ll pluck up the courage to talk to you. But I really liked the lipstick you wore today.

 

I remembered like it was yesterday the day I had tipped the entire contents of my handbag on the floor in search of my lipstick. One that I didn’t think he even notice I’d applied but he had. He’d noticed everything about me.

Tears were streaming down my face as sob after sob racked through my body. I grabbed the last book entitled ‘Black Light; The Lost Art of Invisible Ink’ and so many things suddenly made sense.

This was the first book he had ever borrowed from the library and was obviously what had given him the idea to write these messages to me. I felt as if my heart was breaking as I realized I was about to read the first note he had ever written me, the last one I would ever read. Sobbing I flipped to the back page and shone the torch on it, that I now knew was not a blue light, but a black one;

Hello There,

I’m the weird guy you met the other day.

Thank you for helping me find this book.

I wanted to repay you right then by asking you out to dinner, but I saw that noise was prohibited in the library and I’m a little too shy to just go and ask you out.

So, I thought I would write you here instead.

If you’re ever interested in going out together sometime, to talk about books or anything else you might be interested in, here’s my number.

 

My sobs were so big now they were racking through my chest, causing my shoulders to slump with the effort it took to draw another breath in.

Grabbing my phone, I punched in his number before I typed out a message of my own:

Ian,

I wish we had more time together.

I wish you had spoken to me sooner.

I would have loved to have had dinner with you.

If we could have spoken so honestly from the start, things might have been different between us.

But since we’re being honest now, I just want you to know that I love you.

I’m going to miss you.

And I will never, ever forget you.

 

**The End**

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Lovelies,  
> I know this story jumps around a fair bit time wise, but its a good one. I hope you like it.  
> To find out more about the story and see all the little extras that go with it, check out my tumblr: http://teaenthusiast65.tumblr.com/


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